Narcissists Seek to Destroy Those Who Get in Their Way

Today we are surrounded by narcissists--in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in "spirituality", the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived----in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many "relationships" --"Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial." The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist's lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. "Work hard and play by the rules"---Really??? That doesn't fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous--male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn't fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them---They say to themselves: "You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you."  There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family--spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings--are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don't think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling.  These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image--it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world's superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality--That's what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you--your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissistic Style-Going Viral

On a visit to my favorite green grocers where the fruits and vegetables are locally grown, I was briefly introduced to a woman with her two and half year old son. The child was constantly asking for things and mother  was giving him whatever he wanted. He was picking up vegetable and fruits and putting them on different shelves. I moved to another section of the store. Out of the corner of my eye I began to notice a cardholder spinning out of control like a whirling dervish. I noticed that cards were flying out of their spaces on to the floor which was not very clean. The young boy was having a grand time and mother was no where in sight. He had also made a complete mess of some fruits he had taken off the shelves and stomped on. The store owner came and started to pick up the cards. Some of them were quite soiled. Mother finally appeared. She said nothing. It was as if she had been in a trance. She didn't apologize; she didn't question her son; she didn't leave in embarrassment. Afterward, I told the owner how appalling this scene had been. He said ;" It happens all of the time."

This reminded me of what is going on with children and many adults in this age of over-entitlement. Parents aren't teaching their children any sense of limits, consideration for others, awareness and respect and good manners. There is another attitude: "I've got mine; the hell with you."  Another symptom is the addiction to appearances. There is a plethora of plastic surgeries not only among those who are growing older and want to look fresher and more youthful but by the very young--those in their twenties who must look perfect at all times.

There are many narcissistically inclined who look down on others who don't own their homes, don't wear the finest clothing, wear used clothing and drive older cars. No One------is more important than anyone else---not a person of title, degrees, a member of royalty or the head of a church.

Beneath all of the elaborate show in these individuals are deep unconscious feelings of emptiness and restlessness. What is most unfortunate is that narcissists have no insight and they make other people's lives miserable.

There are many exceptions--people who are remaking their lives, who are compassionate, considerate, who are living more simply, who are going deep into themselves and becoming more open with others and above all are developing deeper empathy for all beings. I find this very encouraging.

To learn to protect yourself from narcissists and become informed about every facet of this personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists-Addicted to the Lifestyle

Narcissists are masterful at reading you up close and personal. They know exactly what they have to do to get your undivided attention and to eventually possess you. Narcissists go all out when they are on the hunt for a man or woman who will fulfill their insatiable needs, enhance their public image, remain compliant and discreet regardless of their atrocious behavior. They are always seeking pleasure, enjoyment and escape. Psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg describes the narcissist's psychological inner (unconscious) state:"...these narcissistic patients' experience of emptiness is characterized by the addition of strong feelings of boredom and restlessness...patients with narcissistic personality...do not have that capacity for empathizing with human experience...Their social life, which gives them opportunities to obtain confirmation in reality or fantasy of their needs to be admired, and offers them direct instinctual gratifications, may provide them with an immediate sense of meaningfulness, but this is temporary. (When the narcissist cannot obtain these gratifications)...their sense of emptiness, restlessness and boredom take over." 

This is where the spouse comes in. She/he  is expected to keep the narcissist feeling splendid about himself at all times. As the spouse becomes an integral part of an upper tier lifestyle (in the case of high level very successful narcissists) it becomes more and more difficult to see through the delusion of constant distraction, material acquisition and incessant pleasure seeking. The spouse has strapped herself in for the ride of a lifetime. How could she possibly give this up. Ugly cracks begin to appear in the elaborate persona of the narcissistic spouse. Temper tantrums and menacing intimidations become more frequent. The spouse is on the receiving end of these ugly interludes. 

Many spouses are unaware that they have a choice and can wrest themselves from the narcissist. They can separate themselves and their lives from this. But they are already addicted to the lifestyle that the high level narcissist provides. Who could walk away from this set up. It's too good, too wildly self indulgent to say "goodbye."  The price the narcissist's spouse pays is with her life. It no longer belongs to her. Even her thoughts are dictated and run in tandem with the narcissist. Her previous values have faded---she has new ones--they are narcissistic--flitting from one thrilling event to the other, meeting the most important people, traveling incessantly, buying whatever she impulsively wants. (This equally applies to male partners of female narcissists). 

There are a few individuals who wake up and realize that they can no longer be a prisoner of their narcissistic spouse. They have listened finally to the steady voice of intuition that has been telling them that this is not a healthy relationship- in fact it is not a relationship. It is an arrangement, the source of narcissistic supply for their highly pathological spouse. Those who take the steps and sever themselves from this pseudo partnership, discover that despite the divorce aftermath, they are freed up on every level. Of great significance is the case of freeing one's children from the narcissist's grip. This is a great victory for you and them. 

As the western world marches ever faster in sync with the Narcissistic Style, rewarding those who are most egregious and calling them "good people" , take the other road--authenticity, inner peace, creativity, kindness, true individuality---There you will thrive and celebrate all of the blessings of the true self. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Sociopathic Narcissists-More Dangerous than You Think

The narcissistic style has been co-opted by a growing part of the American population.  The media and entertainment business, the powerful influence of peers on growing children and the lack of true quality time given to their children by parents are all part of this equation. People do not have to have children today. They can make the choice to live without producing children or choosing marriage. These are respectable and truthful decisions individuals can make. There is still a residue of scorn and even suspicion felt toward those who make these decisions.  "Why doesn't she/he get married? What's the matter--Is there some secret reason behind it? 

There is a collective self absorption and selfishness that has become the norm in many circles. There is an absence of sensitivity to the needs and suffering of others, especially those who are judged as not fitting in to an elite group. Their differentness is derided and scorned  through gossip and shunning. 

There is a deep fissure, a social and psychological divide that is growing exponentially. If you are materially successful, have all the right contacts, and present an image of external perfection, you are preferred even chosen.  If you don't have the impeccable image, the high professional status, you don't make the cut.  Large swaths of today's society have been taken over by narcissists and their deluded followers.

Grandiosity, lack of conscience, ruthlessness, lack of empathy, deception and manipulation have become tools rather than bad character traits. This is especially the case with sociopathic narcissists--those individuals who have the narcissistic personality structure and also share many characteristics of the sociopath. These traits include a careless disregard for other human beings, including chronic extreme verbal abuse and stress perpetrated upon spouses and children. Sociopathic narcissists purposely seek out ways to delude and control those who will profit them materially, socially and professionally. They are gifted at leaving others "holding the bag" while they abscond with the profits of some else's labors. Leaving another person's life in shambles or even their entire family is of no concern or interest to the sociopathic narcissist who has adroitly moved ahead to his/her next cycle of acquisition and control.

I am in communication with a number of victims of narcissistic abuse. There is a callousness in sociopathic narcissists that overrides any authentic human feeling. In fact if you get in their way, don't pay attention to the cues that are speaking to you clearly, they will cut you down professionally and emotionally. Sociopathic narcissists are rarely brought to justice. They surround themselves with covens of cunning attorneys who do their bidding around the clock.

Human nature is both dark and sublime. There are individuals alive today who are giving, selfless, warm, empathic and such a joy that they bring a great light into our lives. We are psychologically held by their deep authenticity and boundless personal generosity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com