Deflecting the Narcissist's Poisonous Projections

The narcissist is a projection machine. Rather than internalizing, introspecting or encouraging insight, the narcissist is always in the process of externalization. He/she is either basking in his perfection or plotting the next move that will weaken, topple or destroy a real or imagined enemy. 

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism an individual uses to protect himself from intolerable feelings of worthlessness, self loathing and forbidden impulses. The narcissist is continually projecting his/her venom on to others. This is particularly painful and harmful to his family---spouses and children. 

Learn to deflect the narcissist's projections. This person is constantly externalizing, reeling out one projection after another. You cannot control the narcissist's impulses but you can be in command of yourself. A daily practice of stilling the mind and gentle forms of yoga that emphasize focus on the breath provide  a steady mental and psychological foundation. These practices are thousands of years old and have served yogis and layman in a profound way. Learn to access the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of yourself that is calm, relaxed, at peace. Find consistent activities that help you to let go and feel the refreshing reduction of stress. A master acupuncturist whom I know reminds her patients after she places the needles: "Let yourself go down and settle." She is speaking about the innate part of ourselves that naturally seeks peace in the body, mind and psyche. Learn to access these states. Be consistent and these practices will become part of your daily life. 

When it is possible, minimize contact with narcissists. This is a tall order since many people in positions of power are narcissists. If you have to be in their presence, try to be in the company of another.  Being alone is the best opportunity for the narcissist to pounce. When the projection comes remind yourself that this shred of debris is emerging out of him/her. It does not belong to you. You are impervious to his attempts at ambush or one on one combat. Beneath it all, the narcissist is a coward---hitting and wounding others when they are down, feeding off of vulnerabilities and weaknesses, setting bait and traps that will harm and even destroy other human beings. These people are often despicable. With today's narcissistic society giving them a pass (because so many of them are successful in the world) look to yourself. You are not alone. I hear from those who have been victimized by these predators and have prevailed over them. Wisdom is eternal---He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." ---Lao-tsu
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife,com 

Narcissist's Secret Envy II

Narcissists, especially those who are highly successful, appear to glide smoothly through life, taking everything they can. They cheat people and get away with it, lie at every turn, manipulate everyone in their circle, especially family members, psychologically harm the most vulnerable around them----and still are not brought to judgment. If they are very high level narcissists most of them around these highly entitled individuals give them a pass despite all of the pain they cause others.

Despite all of their professional triumphs, constant adulation and financial success, narcissists secretly envy what they perceive they cannot have. Envy is a feeling of unease that becomes an obsession of coveting another's success, possessions, public image and importance. People keep their envies secret. Narcissists would never share these feelings with anyone. We see this envy in their blood thirsty competitiveness. If they are worth hundred of millions, they seek billionaire status like their brothers and sisters in that special enclave.  Narcissists are all about money. I have had the displeasure of sitting next to a high level narcissist at a dinner event. Besides a running litany of self, he pent most of his time talking about money---his tatus and power, how clever he had been at acquiring money and his grandiose vision for accumulating larger sums and multitudes of material possessions. Conversations with narcissists are always one way streets---they do all of the talking and bragging. You cannot get in a word without being rude. If you manage a half sentence, they will interrupt you and move back to their favorite topic---themselves.

Narcissists secretly envy what they cannot have. On an unconscious level they know that they cannot ever have an authentic relationship with anyone, even their own children. This obsessive need is played out in their  chronic restlessness and frenetic acrobatics from one relationship to another. Narcissists crowd their lives with constant activity that will bring them an abundance of narcissistic supplies, particularly praise and adulation. Envy can fuel the narcissist's rage. If he loses an important contact that feeding his narcissism or is overlooked for a power position he has prized, the narcissist flies into a fury. He despises and envies the individual who bettered him. The narcissist doesn't have any real relationships. Empty, shallow and alone, he leads a counterfeit life, unable to make a warm meaningful connection with anyone.

Having people in our lives whom we can count on  and care about us deeply, have our welfare uppermost in their minds and are supportive of our growth as individuals is invaluable----worth more than every possession, material acquisition and accolade that the narcissist ever received. His/her world is delusional and inauthentic.

Your daily life is a testimony to the healing and growth of your the unique self and the sharing of your strength and open heart  to ease the suffering of others. Savor these moments of your life every day. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Buy the book: amazon and amazon.kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Returning to a Narcissist-Choose Wisdom over a Child's Wishes

You have been there so many times---the irresistible charm, being impressed with professional status, physical attraction, extravagant promises, a new life vision, unlimited possibilities, a wonderful powerful person with whom to share your life.

It is so tempting, remembering the peak times, the emotional highs, putting the ugliness in the background---forgetting chronic rages, demands for  perfection, the wearing down and grinding down to exhaustion, the 24/7 demands, the deceits and betrayals, the bombardment of lies.

Much of the reason to return to narcissists lies in the unfulfilled needs and wishes of childhood of the narcissist's victims.These needs and wishes are often forgotten or lie in the recesses of the unconscious. Some victims strongly feel that they don't deserve to be treated with respect as a separate individual. They were never loved, accepted, experienced parental warmth. In some instances their parents were narcissists. Many of those who return to the narcissist are repeating this destructive childhood pattern.

No one person or persons can satisfy or respond perfectly to them. Eventually, many do the hard work of recognizing, accepting and repairing the psychological and emotional damage. As a result we are free from parental conditioning  and become independent from the family of origin.
Awaken and choose wisdom and intuition as you move toward becoming separate, steady and strong. Take your life in your hands. Now you are free. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Family Members of Narcissists-Abused-Discarded-Abandoned

The current societal climate rewards narcissists, especially high level ones, with stratospheric positions of power. Using their underplayed ruthlessness and a single minded focus they climb to the top by any means. Many in this culture worship economic status above personal character. It is fashionable even enviable to be a narcissist in some circles. Being overly full of oneself is expected---that's called self confidence. Conscience is overrated. Why stay awake at night because someone who was naive was sacrificed for your benefit. 

The painful destructive consequences to the personal lives of the narcissist's victims don't matter to a growing number in this culture. Children and spouses of narcissists pay a very high and often tragic price for being dumped and discarded. Narcissists never look back on their abandoned families. Once they are of no use, they cease to exist. Narcissists compartmentalize and have no real feelings of intimacy or compassion. With a whisper of conscience and a maniacal devotion to making money despite personal sacrifices of family members, the narcissist moves forward with warp speed, leaving misery, psychological devastation and tragedy in his/her wake. 

Those who are left to put their lives together after the narcissist are psychologically bruised like soldiers who have been in the pitch of battle for years without respite. After the recognition and adjustment to being on their own, these brave survivors begin to reconstruct their lives. Their thoughts, feelings, inspirations, insights belong to them. No one is interring with their mental process or constantly criticizing them. They are free to make their own decisions and to seek those whom they can trust and who will facilitate their healing. Creating a life that is elegant in its simplicity, peaceful in its environment and embraces creativity, spontaneity, uses of the imagination and spirit represents the beginning of a renewed cycle of emotional and psychological growth. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Appreciate Your Uniqueness

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can spend years coming to the realization that they were raised by a woman who was a non-mother. Cold, manipulative, self-obsessed, vain, dismissive, hyper-critical, cunning, without conscience, deceitful---these are a few of the adjectives that describe the narcissistic "mother." Psychologically, her breasts are permanently dry and unyielding---She cannot give sustenance to her little daughter.  Her glance is vacant. There is no light in her eyes, no emotional contact--not a whit of tenderness. The narcissistic mother is a one woman show. She expects her daughter to adore her. She is at center stage, demanding applause. Maria Riva, daughter of the famous screen siren, Marlene Dietrich, in the memoir of her mother, talks about her role as servant to her mother. Maria was always at Marlene's disposal day and night for all of her mother's life. She arranged her clothing for special occasions, parties and even spent hundred of hours on movie sets where Marlene was working. Maria, the brilliant little girl, survived by mirroring the ultra-self-absorbed Marlene perfectly. She learned from her earliest days that that was what she had to do to survive. Maria was told secrets and observed behaviors between her parents which were traumatic, especially for a small child. Narcissistic mothers never think of protecting their children. The child is another narcissistic supply and an unpaid servant. Her individual being is meaningless and insignificant. Maria Riva is an excellent writer and her memoir is superb in illustrating the true nature of the narcissistic mother.

Daughters of narcissistic mother have to fend for themselves unless they are the chosen golden girl who is raised like a member of royalty. For the narcissistic mother, this child is the ultimate narcissistic supply. Many of the chosen daughters become narcissistic. The cycle of destructive narcissism continues through another generation. Unchosen daughters grow up to fast. They never have real childhoods. They are always either cowering from mother's threats, criticisms or psychological and physical blows or hiding like an invisible ghost along the corners of mother's life, hoping and praying not to be discovered.

The psychological identities of these daughters are obscured by the giant shadow cast by the narcissistic mother. One of the goals of these daughters is to go deep within, acknowledge who they are as individuals, validate their uniqueness, express it and celebrate their lives. Achieving this goal may require the help of skillful psychotherapy, participation in support groups, the close ties of friends.  Creative pursuits that free up the daughter from her family of origin and a consistent spiritual practice in the way that you define this, are powerful ways to re-claim your individuality and expand and grow a solid sense of the authentic self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

No One Can Destroy You Psychologically

If you survived your childhood---and that is a very tall order for many abused, neglected and deprived children--- no one can psychologically harm you.It usually takes most of us a number of painful experiences to come to this realization. After all what we had to do to remain alive emotionally and psychologically meant that we had to become invisible, pretend who we weren't, cower in a corner and hope that we would not be hit, hide from our parents at friends' houses, disappear into libraries to escape the horrors of home and fill our minds with useful intellectual information. Libraries become a place of refuge for many children. In books we enter a world of enchantment where we can be transported to other worlds and away from the constant psychological pain of our dysfunctional families.

Those who have suffered abuse and neglect often choose as partners, individuals who will continue these kinds of behaviors. We are drawn back to what was familiar to us,even though it made our lives intolerable. Many children learn very early that they are unworthy of kindness or empathy. They become inured to cruelty and neglect. As they grow up they unconsciously expect this kind of treatment from others, including prospective partners.

At some point victims of emotional and psychological abuse wake up. Maybe the last time of being humiliated and shamed and even struck in the face by a spouse or partner was the last straw. They say to themselves: "I will not take this kind of treatment ever again." This time they mean it and begin their journey toward healing and wholeness. No one can harm or destroy you psychologically. Learn to appreciate that you are a valuable unique human being who deserves respect and the reciprocation of love and appreciation. Send this message to others who are still suffering and trapped in this old cycle of abuse. Your life has begun anew---Keep your light shining day and night. You deserve to live with a spacious calm mind, the reciprocation of love and friendship and deep inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

High Level Sociopaths in Positions of Power-Are You Married to One?

There is a personality disorder spectrum from pathological narcissism to sociopathy.  The kind of sociopath I speak of doesn't personally attack another person with mortal physical force. From his point of view that would be absurd, ineffective and put him in prison. The high level sociopath destroys people slowly with pseudo empathy and feigned kindness. That is the demonic genius of the high level sociopath. He takes you into his confidence. Some people fall in love with these individuals and no matter what harm they have caused, continue to live with and defend them.

The high level sociopath is exceedingly narcissistic--self absorbed, exhibiting convincing pseudo empathy, personally magnetic, often very bright, cunning, cleverly exploitive.  They wouldn't be careless and impulsive to blow their elaborate persona of perfection, superiority or the misperception by others that they are "good people." The high level sociopath operates to achieve his goals through his masterful control and manipulation of others. The high level sociopath is ultra confident. He has no limits. He is often seen as a business visionary. Some of these psychological predators accomplish a great deal in the world, building empires and fiefdoms that amass large fortunes. This is the public face and imprint that these high level sociopaths send to the world---their global image. This is a small fragment of their true nature. In private the high level sociopath operates in a different mode. He/she is cold, distant, enraged, hyper-perfectionistic and hyper-critical, autocratic and without mercy.

These individuals are the ultimate nightmare as parents. They are incapable of playing this role. Their children are used like chess pieces in a high stakes game. They don't give a damn about how their small child is responding to them as long as the parent is in complete control of them. Some of these sociopaths discard and ignore their children, sending them off to full time nannies, boarding schools and military schools as early as possible. They want nothing to do with children other than using them to build up their image of a great father. In some cases these sociopaths choose a favored child that is groomed to become a part of his echo of perfection and power---this child becomes a strong source of narcissistic supply. The sociopath has huge bragging rights about the high achieving child he has created. Children who are not chosen for these special roles are thrown away, psychologically imprisoned, treated with extreme cruelty. If his children are not performing at the level he insists, some sociopathic parents abandon the entire family and re-constitute themselves with a new adoring spouse who has no clue about this form of psychopathology.

I am in communication with a number of individuals who unwittingly married high level sociopaths. They often have no clue that they are married to a person who is bent on destroying others in order to make it to the top.
The heady lifestyle that the high level sociopath provides for his puppet spouse is irresistible. Feeling financially secure, having anything at your fingertips that you desire, being seen as important and special----all of these narcissistic supplies shared by the non-narcissistic spouse are very difficult to give up. Many spouses stay with the high level sociopath indefinitely despite the heavy toll that this partnership takes on them. Throwing in one's fate with one of these vipers stunts your creativity, your capacity to become separate, to expand, deepen and grow psychologically and spiritually.

These sociopaths are all consuming. They suck out the creative and emotional oxygen from your life. You never have respite or peace. Sociopaths do whatever they want without any sense of consequences to the welfare of others. Everything is about their march to the pinnacle of power, the need to vanquish their many enemies, to morally compromise their close associates to bend to their will. Those who defy them are endangered psychologically and emotionally. These sociopaths are vengeful and never forget who has transgressed against their iron will.

If you are married to a high level sociopath, it is advisable that you sever this relationship---especially to protect your children. The sooner you make this move, the better. This person is not going to change---ever!
Apply your intuition, listen to your internal voices and act in your best psychological, emotional and spiritual interests. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com