Surviving the Tragic Narcissistic Family

Narcissistic members of families don't recognize that they are creating a living tragedy for their children. The lack insight and empathy--those qualities which make us human and humane. Living as a false self who is so filled with himself that no one else can breathe, the narcissist goes about destroying the dreams of others, especially those close to him/her. He would be a fool and a fake if people were capable of seeing who this person really is. Most individuals are incapable of recognizing a narcissist, especially a very high level one.

The narcissistic mother or father rules the household in every respect. Narcissistic mother is the dark queen. When she speaks, glares or nods everyone comes to attention. Her presence is formidable. Adult children of narcissists tell chilling stories of their years of imprisonment with these dreadful parents. Living in a narcissistic household, you are not allowed to have a mind of your own and if you do keep it to yourself or you'll get smacked physically or psychologically. Some narcissistic mothers send children away to other relatives and abandon them there if they don't conform to the rigid family rules. Above all the narcissistic parent must be adored and obeyed at all times. The great tragedy of being the child of a narcissist is that you are being forced to take on the trappings, the personality traits, the gestures, even the outward appearance demanded by the narcissistic parent. Mother tells you where you will go to school. When you show your gifts and talents--you are treated with disdain and ridicule. Narcissistic mothers make cruel remarks and even laugh at their child. It is almost impossible for anyone to understand the outright treachery that takes place within these very sick and dysfunctional families. And it doesn't stop when the children grow up. They keep hammering at you, screaming their demands, accusing you of transgressions that are the product of their delusional distorted minds.


You can and will survive your narcissistic family. I have communicated with many who have. It has been a long but worthwhile journey. These individuals are extraordinary in their psychological strength, stamina and the unwillingness to give up or give in. Many have been helped by becoming involved in practices that still the mind and psyche. They have learned finally that there are individuals whom they can trust and love. They now live and grow on their own terms. They have my deepest respect. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Living in the Shadow of A Narcissistic Sibling

The battles of childhood continue through adulthood in the narcissistic family.If mother or father is a narcissist or the two of them are a dynamic duo, there is hell to pay if you haven't been chosen as their royal son or daughter.

I communicate with many siblings of narcissistic brothers and sisters who made every effort to do their best at school, obey the rules at home and to be respectful to their parents. None of this mattered. If you got straight A's and you weren't the golden child, narcissistic mother wouldn't pay any attention to your accomplishment. With a wave of her hand she was off to another subject of greater importance to her. Often the non-narcissistic child bends over backwards to be especially thoughtful to the narcissistic parent. In response the parent is even more demanding and if you perform all of your duties perfectly, it is still not enough. The narcissistic parent constantly throws cruel projections on to these victimized children. There is a complete distortion of reality with narcissists. A child living under these conditions feels in constant emotional peril. He/she is living in the dark shadow of cruel, even monstrous human being. If other children in the family are budding narcissists, there is a collusion that goes on among them that makes life impossible forachild who is doing his best. The emotional pain of being constantly criticized and in some ways treated sadistically is more than one can bear. Many of these children  suffer severe stress reactions, even PTSD as a result of this horrendous child abuse.

The narcissistically abused child does the best she/he can to survive and often leave the family home as soon as possible. Many of these courageous children depart the home early, find other relatives who believe their stories of abuse. Others spend a lot of time in the homes of friends to find some area of peace. Children who prevail who come out of the shadow of their narcissistic sibling(s) and/or narcissistic parent are extraordinary human beings. They use their motivation to become more independent, to find healthy role models, to further their educations and to carve out a life for themselves. I have been in communication with many adult children raised with narcissistic siblings who have re-created their lives. They have been through a long process of healing that sometimes involves quality psychotherapy, close relationships with people who support them, establishing healing practices of meditation, gentle yoga, qi gong and other modalities that restore wholeness on every level. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers-Playing the Guilt Card

Many narcissistic mothers, after treating their children with neglect and abuse from the time they are small children and all the way through adulthood, have the nerve to make their children feel guilty for responding to all of their demands. Some of these mothers fraudulently accuse their sons or daughters of verbal abuse, even physical abuse when this is completely untrue. After driving their grown children to distraction and extreme stress with all of their manipulations and deceits, they tell outright lives about their scapegoated children and make attempts to destroy their lives. Children of narcissistic mothers who do not tow the line and provide constant adulation and praise to this authority are severely punished for their lack of complete obedience. If you have a mind of your own, growing up in this kind of family, your path is difficult. You are always walking up hill accompanied by a strong wind. If you are an independent thinker and have a strong sense of individuality and creative thinking, it is going to be a rough road in a narcissistic family. Being true to yourself is the most important role you will choose as the focus of your life despite your highly dysfunctional family. When the narcissistic mother notices that you are not going along with her plans for you on every level and that you are not at her beck and call. she is inclined to play the guilt card, accusing you of treating her with neglect and cruelty. This is a clever ploy that often works with adult children of narcissists. You will often find out that this is a demand for your instant attention. There are times when our parents do need us and that is appropriate. The narcissistic parent is never satisfied, even if you pledge you life to them.

To make informed decisions, learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: thenracissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are Never Wrong-They are Perfect

You can never win with a narcissist if you are a person who is truth oriented. Narcissists live in a world where their delusions of power and omnipotence are the truth. If you are married to a narcissist or have a parent who is a narcissist if its very stressful and disconcerting to "always be wrong." When a powerful narcissist repeats the same lie over and over again and has a large audience of believers, his adoring circle will side with him/her against you. Truth is foreign to the narcissist. His personality is built on a grandiose false self, a person who was created to believe that he was superior, perfect and without flaw. He was never held accountable for his mistakes, lies or cruelties. His parents gave him no sense of limits or respect for other human beings. He learned as a child to exploit and manipulate other human beings to win at any cost. The damage to another person's life was collateral and necessary to his goals. Narcissists early on believe that they are always right, will never admit horrendous mistakes and when confronted, will deflect, delay and tell more lies. They believe they are invincible and perfect. Everyone else is a prospective pawn on his chess table.

You cannot have a real relationship with a narcissist whether this is a spouse, parent or sibling. They will continue to use you, demean you, lie to you and deceive you. Learn to protect yourself from narcissistic family members by studying this personality disorder in depth. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and  International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Step Out of the Narcissist's Delusional World

If you have grown up in a narcissistic family, your life has been very difficult and hurtful. This is the case if you have a narcissistic parent and one or more narcissistic siblings. Growing up and as a small child you probably believed that this was a normal family. As small children this is all we know. It is familiar to us. Some children are very keen at figuring out that they are being treated unfairly and that another sibling is getting all of the attention and a lot of deference. This child is allowed to do whatever he or she wants and does not have to take any responsibility for cruel behavior to his siblings. Some narcissistic parents don't even correct these budding narcissists when they have been rude to other adults. It is astounding but true.

Eventually, children in narcissistic families learn that there is no fairness if they are not the chosen child, the one that the parents want to use as a reflection of their perfection. The non-chosen children are often left to fend for themselves. Narcissistic parents are psychologically and emotionally unavailable, caught up in their delusional world of image, ruthless competition to the top, social engagements, indulging themselves, etc.
Often the raising of children is left up to babysitters or nannies. Children in these families don't even come fourth or fifth. They are trotted out as living props for family occasions and pictures are taken and framed for show. But there is no feeling, devotion, affection or loving focus placed on them. Some of these children don't remember ever receiving a hug from one of their parents. Mainly, they remember all of the criticisms, the shouting, the reprimands, the humiliations that caused deep feelings of shame that didn't go away.


Some adult children who grow up in narcissistic families continue to hold on to what they have longed for and never got---love and caring. They keep hoping that finally one of their parents or a sibling will wake up and acknowledge their value and their deserving respect and kindness. Dealing with a narcissistic family, these days do not arrive. The narcissist lives in the darkness of delusion. He believes that he is better than anyone else---brighter, more attractive, clever, successful, clever, charming, powerful. These beliefs began very early in the development of his personality and are rigid and disinclined to change.

Many adult children recognize these painful truth about their highly dysfunctional families and do the hard work of separating from them psychologically. In some instances they decide to discontinue any kind of communication with narcissistic family members. They go "no contact." During this period of transition some benefit from quality psychotherapy, supportive friends, members of the family who are not enmeshed with the narcissists. Stepping out of the narcissist's delusional world is a huge step toward honoring your own individual reality and the seeking of the truth. You now can live freely, being yourself. You have your own perceptions and you start to grow as a person, encumbered by the psychological imprisonments of the past. Many individuals take these steps. They are courageous but firmly claim that it is well worth the effort. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Marital Counseling with Narcissistic Spouses-Taking a Big Chance

Many men and women marry narcissists without knowing the truth about their personality structures. This is not surprising. Narcissists appear to have it all---the image of physical attractiveness, smooth social skills, charm, even charisma combined with great self confidence. What's not to fall for. In the beginning the narcissist is very attentive to the partner he/she has chosen. Many of these masterful manipulators bend to your every wish, even anticipating what you want before you ask for it. They are lavish in their attention and giving. As time moves on, the emotional scene changes and you notice how demanding, perfectionistic, cunning and deceptive they are. For many spouses a time comes when the non-narcissistic spouse has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate marriage to this self absorbed unempathic partner. Some spouses want to save the marriage. They unwittingly believe that they are dealing with a normal person---someone who is willing to go into therapy with the best intentions and try to sort out the mutual and individual issues that will improve their marriage. This happens frequently and doesn't have a favorable result. 

It is your decision to enter couples therapy. My clinical experience has been that narcissists believe that they are superior, have no imperfections, that problems with the marriage belong to their partner. They will either refuse to go to therapy or if they do will sabotage the process. In some cases, they persuade the therapist to take their side. That's the cunning of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Rather than trying to fix or change your narcissistic spouse, it would be more helpful to you, if you are seeking therapy, find an excellent counselor and see them one on one. It is important that this professional  has studied narcissistic personality disorder in depth and has counseled many spouses who are married to these individuals. Think about your emotional and psychological welfare first and that of your children. There are solutions. They may not preserve the marriage but they will help you to reclaim your life, your emotional and psychological well being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Varieties of Narcissistic Rage

Beneath the surface the narcissist is always seething with rage. Some narcissists are clever concealers. No one in their external environment would ever suspect that in the privacy of their homes they are out of control screamers. It is not unusual for them to literally get in your face. You watch the veins of the face and neck bulging, wondering when they're going to pop. I have heard many horrendous stories of a narcissistic parent's menacing ways. Some narcissists carry out physical beatings on their children. Others prefer the psychological torture of maintaining an environment of terror and panic. By keeping the anxiety temperature at the highest levels, children and spouses are in a constant state of uneasiness. This makes them easy pawns for manipulation.

One of the most unpleasant varieties is that of the narcissist who creates ugly public scenes to get what he wants, when he wants it. He will accept no authority other than his own. When he is in restaurants, stores, at meetings and his argument is not going well, he simply turns up the volume to full blast. The people around him are first shocked. Then they become frightened. I have seen many narcissists get their way with this full throated approach.

The opposite is the covert narcissist--that charming, gracious, attractive, "humble" individual who pretends to be a saint but has been plotting your occupational, marital or psychological demise for a very long time. These are the tricksters, those double agent narcissists who present themselves as saviors and then go into all out combat to destroy you when the right moment arises. They are the schemers. You may even believe they are your ally. Never be surprised among family members. When it comes to wills and trusts there is often treachery and betrayal. An aunt, parent or sibling has plotted most of his life to acquire the family wealth, leaving crumbs to everyone else. He or she plays up the aging matriarch or patriarch, tells lies about the other family members, fabricates scandals, even crimes. These fictional tales are believed by the aging parent. The villain here makes sure that he maintains his role as savior to the parent holding the bulging purse of gold. He goes out of his way to be unusually attentive. He orchestrates his meticulous moves in such a way that he is trusted completely and given complete control of the estate and all of its holdings. This knowledge remains secret until the parent is deceased.. All hell breaks loose when the other family members learn the truth of the betrayal. But it is too late. This treacherous deed is a way of obtaining the maximum of narcissistic supplies for himself and at the same time disrupting and eclipsing the lives of other family members. The narcissist has achieved his only goal---winning at any cost. This is the circuitous route his rage has taken---the web of lies, deceits, plotting, secrecy, revenge and destruction. These narcissists have no conscience and never look back on what they have done. They easily justify all of their evil moves. They deserve to have everything. They are entitled to all of the spoils and winnings. That's the way they play their dirty game, stepping on friends and family members to reach their goals.

One particularly egregious type of narcissistic rage is revealed in the endless fight for custody of children that is waged for years. The narcissists doesn't give a damn about his children with the exception of a child he can use as an echo of himself. His children are possessions to be used to take revenge and destroy the life of the ex-wife or ex-husband. I have witnessed too many occasions in which the narcissist has used loopholes and machinations of the justice system to obtain a substantial amount of custody of his children. This is not done out of love but spite. Even further, it speaks of sadistic measures on his part that are meant to land a final blow to the non-narcissistic spouse who truly loves the children.

Waging these battles is very tough and requires the support of an excellent attorney who has mastered family law and understands the dark meanderings of the narcissistic mind. If you are in this position, do not give up or give in. Gather support around you from every quarter. You may lose some of your financial assets (or not) but you will have saved your children. That is the greatest achievement of all---creating a peaceful, emotionally consistent and calm, affectionate and loving, affirmative and creative life for your children. This is their legacy--the demonstration of the depth of your love. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com