Monday, May 2, 2011

Divorce the Sadistic Narcissist for the Sake of Your Children

Being married to an abusive partner, particularly a narcissist puts you in a constant siege of stress, emotional siege and fear. Your thoughts, imaginations and feelings are constricted by sharing your life with a narcissistic personality disorder. Some narcissists turn sadistic when they don't get their way and become angry when you have disappointed them. This means all of the time since the narcissistic has insatiable demands. Being married to a narcissist represents  a diminishment of your life, which is very sad and depressing. However, when you add children to this mix, we are talking about much more serious ramifications. Narcissists cannot love anyone. They allow children to be born because they are the ultimate narcissistic supplies whom they can brag about. They represent an expansion of their image as a good father or mother. They can be photographed, presented at family events and shown as perfect replicas of themselves. Living in a delusional world of the narcissist is a disaster for a child. It doesn't work psychologically for children. The child is often very intuitive. He or she knows whether he is truly loved for himself. He understands there is some kind of secret game going on and he is expected to play a part. When the ugly arguments start to fly between the parents, this creates a corrosive atmosphere for the children.

If you cannot decide to divorce your narcissistic spouse because you fear losing the secure financial arrangement and are concerned about your future, that is understandable. But when you have children, they must come first. Some spouses go back and forth making this decision. It is a difficult one for many men and women. I have communicated with many spouses who have struggled to make this decision. Most of them have decided they no matter what they can no longer subject themselves and their children to the sadistic narcissistic parent. They see the psychological harm this is doing to their children. With great courage they move forward, choose a highly skilled attorney. Some enter psychotherapy to see themselves through this process, build up their loyal support system and look forward to freeing themselves and their children of this psychological imprisonment. I hear many reports of success and personal transformation. These spouses are very grateful that they put their children first regardless of the fear of any other consequences. It takes courage and stamina to move forward in this way. But it is essential for the life that you and your children deserve.
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Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
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Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
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