Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Your Healing Accumulates

When you have been through the mental and psychological torment of growing up the daughter of a narcissistic mother and now you have severed the relationship, you wonder: Will I ever heal ? How long will it take? I don't think anyone can answer that question specifically. However, Healing is Cumulative. Every step you take each day is moving you toward greater wholeness. You are initiating this process when you never blame yourself for the narcissistic mother you had, when you allow yourself to feel and express your feelings, when you cry and feel a sense of release, when you write spontaneously without editing or judging, when you do gentle yoga poses, breathing through the nostrils and acknowledge that each cell in your body/mind is renewing itself. Every time that you are in the parasympathetic nervous system zone---you are healing. Daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up in "running from the beast who will kill me" mode.  Living with this fire drill constantly and the fires that have to be put out from these dreadful mothers makes a daughter feel endangered at all times. This has a drastic effect your psyche, mind, body and emotions. Many narcissistic mothers besides their extreme abuse, deprive and neglect their daughters. I have heard that they have never been hugged by their so called mothers. They were told that they were never wanted.. They were ignored. Some of them were left hungry as small children and not fed. This is the truth. There are other daughters who were given what their body needed by their souls and psyches were starved and they were the recipients of narcissistic abuse simultaneously.

Develop a healing program that works for you. Some benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Be sure to interview several therapists. Yes, there are excellent ones but there are also narcissistic psychotherapists who are after your emotional dependency and most important to them----your money. Some narcissistic psychotherapist overcharge without blinking an eye. Exercise helps to strengthen the immune system and modulates your moods and reduces anxiety and helps your sleep. Some of those healing, take up a meditation practice. This can be done in a variety of ways. You can doing walking meditation, sitting meditation. Do what works for you. If it is two minutes or less, this is meditation. It is intention in action and consistency. If you miss a day or more, do not judge. If you love Nature, embrace it. It is there to heal us.
If you love color, take photographs, view art in any number of forms, listen to music and flow with it. Acupuncture for some is a source of experiencing the parasympathetic nervous system, the ultimate in relaxation and calm.

Know that your healing is accumulating every day. Stay in touch with your loving heart. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are Pretend Parents

The narcissistic personality is psychologically a young child who never learned to be responsible or accountable for his actions, decisions or his treatment of others, including spouses and children. Narcissists are developmentally arrested at the age of two or earlier. They Want and they Get. They cajole, manipulate, deceive, rage and lie to get exactly what they want. They are bottomless pits of having their way. They are cunning, cruel, and exceedingly exploitative, often of their own children. When a marriage with a narcissist fails, the narcissistic spouse who hasn't paid one moment of attention to his children, suddenly want them all to himself (herself). He plays hero suddenly and becomes the great parent. This is an image that the narcissist creates. He makes sure that the cameras and attention are on him when he is playing this part. He is photographed, tweeted, linkedIn and facebooked. Narcissists cannot love their own children or anyone else. You can be married to a narcissist for many years who has ignored your children since they were born but when you decide that you can't tolerate the abuse any longer and seek a divorce, he will do everything and beyond to get custody of "his" children. He is super dad and saint combined. When he does get custody, he ignores his children, often leaving them alone to fend for themselves. In public he suddenly becomes highly attentive to them. When the doors close and the narcissist is unseen, he has no use for them. This is the Jekyll/Hyde father that causes serious psychological issues for his children. It is important for these children to get professional help if they develop symptoms. In some cases the narcissist becomes very bored with the whole arrangement and decides to go solo and run after the lovely ladies that he knows have been waiting at stage right. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissist's Sadistic Thrill that Hurts You

There are many women who are married to sadistic narcissistic men and continue to "suck up" their emotional and psychological pain. They are berated every day by their narcissistic spouse. When not in person these assaults are achieved by phone, email or text (which is faster). Some sadistic narcissists are so obsessed with inflicting pain that they cannot stop their treacherous behaviors. They tend to escalate at times when they are frustrated with their work--a business deal has fallen through, their well planned trap to disempower an enemy has failed, someone whom they hate is succeeding. Many narcissists are workaholics but spend most of their time, mentally torturing their subordinates with threats ("I can make sure that you are fired and will never get a good job ever again."  "I know your secrets. I have been watching you. You are such a fool your private life is exposed like a filthy sewer." "I will use all of your confidential information against you, if you don't shape up and pay close attention to what I expect of you." It is daunting that another person can make us literally shake with fear when we are adults but this is the case with a convincing sadistic narcissist.

The stress ratchets up if you are married to a sadistic narcissist. After all, you are the living image of the perfection that he presents to the world. He expects perfection from you. Those married to narcissists know too well that even if you are perfect on every level, it is never enough. Your spouse finds every flaw and sticks you with them like a poisonous surgical injection.

 Many narcissists get a thrill, like a strong sexual surge, out of tormenting you. They watch you cry helplessly. This makes them feel total power over you. They accuse you of being weak. How dare you cry over comments that are constructive and are designed to make you a more competent person and more independent. This is the excuse that they use but the truth is that they are licking their chops. They've got you under their power and this sends a thrill throughout their bodies and minds.

There are many spouses who endure sadistic repetitions throughout their marriages and partnerships with narcissistic men (and women). They pay a steep price. They experience high anxiety, deep depressions, emotional numbing, constant apprehension and an inability to activate their own creative gifts and take initiative in their separate lives.  There are many times that arrive that tell you to get out of this ongoing psychological hells. You keep shaking these insights off. You are filled with fear of the unknown. What will you do as a person on your own. This is understandable if you have been married to this narcissist for a long time or if you have always been dependent on other partners. As you are in the process of making your decision, turn to those whom you trust. Use your intuition as you choose a few friends for support. Keep yourself physically strong, doing what works for you to maintain your health. Healing practice like gentle yoga can be very helpful in bringing you into the relaxation mode so that it becomes more familiar to you.

As time passes you are beginning to lead the life that you deserve. Now it is decision time. Many women (and men) decide to sever their relationship with the sadistic narcissist permanently through divorce. This can be a challenging process but in the end it is well worth the effort. Make sure that your attorney is not only legally skilled but understands this type of personality, the ruses and traps, their endless dramas and unlimited masks and guises. Those who have made this choice find that they can now take a deep breath, are free to use all of their creative gifts, find others who care deeply about them and now view their world from a clearer more hopeful lens, that speaks of inner peace, beauty and ,yes, joy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Children of Narcissistic Mothers Must Be Heard

"No One believes that my narcissistic mother is a monster." I have read and heard these comments often in my interactions with children of narcissistic mothers. So often this is the case, especially among other family members or friends of the family. Brothers and sisters have spent their lives identifying with the aggressor--the non mother narcissist. They are accustomed to abusive treatment; that is their reality. Then there is the golden child picked by mother to be her representative on earth. He or she has full range of the household and can treat his/her siblings as he pleases. This often involves inflicting physical, mental and emotional traumas that go on throughout the childhood of his/her victims.

Other children in these highly disturbed families try to voice the truth an are beaten down (sometimes literally for speaking out. The father is often weak, like a child himself and goes along reflexively with the egregious acts of his monstrous wife.

As adults these victims of the narcissistic mother are often not believed when they tell their relatives about the suffering they have endured. In fact they are ridiculed, criticized and told they are strange or exaggerating or talking about pure fantasy. "You have an overactive imagination, my dear."

These life stories of torment and in some cases torture, are true. This truth is immutable. It has been my personal experience that most people do not want to know the real truth because it is an embarrassment, a shock. It speaks of the forbidden. It causes alarm. When some individuals hear the truth about the suffering of children of narcissistic mothers they are in disbelief because they cannot imaging that another human being can be so treacherous--even evil. They fear the depths of human nature. Unconsciously this can be a avoidance of their own darker side, the Shadow.

Victims of narcissistic mothers deserve to be heard. It is a vital part of their healing. When they come together, support one another and give voice to the truth, they are healing themselves and reaching out to all of  those who are still suffering. Alice Miller, the great psychoanalyst began a wave of healing with her classic book Prisoners of Childhood.  She has spent much of her life giving voice to those who were defenseless against narcissistic parents. The reckoning has come. The voices are becoming stronger and growing in numbers. The time for healing has come. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Hellish World of Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

Women who marry the man they love who has a narcissistic mother need to be prepared. They have run right into the sites of the Matriarch from Hell. When you first met your husband's mother you could not have known that this woman was determined to run your life and make you miserable. Many of these narcissistic mothers are psychologically fused with their sons. This started when the child was very young. In some cases the mother substitutes her son for her husband who becomes a footnote in her life. When her darling son decides to get married the alarm goes off. The narcissistic matriarch is willful, ruthless and determined that she will forever possess her son and he cannot be shared with anyone, including his own wife.

The narcissistic mother-in-law sabotages her daughter-in-law, talking about her in highly negative tones. "This is not the right woman for my son. She seems to be superficial. I suspect that she is ultimately after our money. She has her hooks into him and won't let go." These statements are shared with other members of the family in a convincing way that turns them against the newly married daughter-in-law. The NM-in-law throws the full force of her ruthlessness and treachery into her goal---the destroy this marriage. In some cases this works. The wife gives up. She has been isolated, demeaned, lied about, dragged through every texture of mud possible. I have heard of narcissistic mother-in-laws who had the nerve to contact their daughter-in-law's work to tell outrageous lies about her daughter-in-law. It is remarkable what these dangerous, highly disturbed narcissistic mothers are capable of doing and pulling off.

Many daughter-in-laws take the showers, the oncoming mortars of abuse continuously. They become weary, exhausted, depressed, anxious. Some of them develop PTSD as a result of this severe level of abuse.

My advice to daughter-in-laws who have tried everything to keep peace and to compromise but have been chronically attacked as a result, should consider the possibility of severing the relationship with her husband. The spouse needs to choose between his disturbed fused relationship with his mother and his wife. If the son cannot individuate from the mother, then there are no alternatives than to make the separation. In some cases the husband wakes up and realizes that his love for his wife and his become a separate individual from his pathologically possessive mother takes precedence. The daughter-in-law should not blame herself if she has made repeated efforts to make peace and comes to the realization that she is dealing with a classic narcissistic mother-in-law. You are not to blame. Honor and respect yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No Emotional Bonding with Narcissistic Mothers

Beginning with the first moments of life the baby begins to bond with his mother. This is essential to his psychological and physical survival. Mother and baby attach in a loving fusion. The good enough mother ( a term introduced by psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott ) spends many months in a state of maternal preoccupation with her baby. The baby that has left the womb must have this constant care, comfort, feeling of safety in order to thrive. Besides nutritional nourishment, the baby internalizes the caress, smell, gentle sounds, soft soothing touch of mother. Through the long nights when the baby's hunger cries signal the need to be fed the mother leaves her sleep to feed her tiny infant. These sounds are compelling and the good mother knows instinctively to recognize the different cries of her baby. As the months pass, the bond between the two of them strengthens and the baby begins to recognize that mother is a separate person. The baby has begun to internalize mother into his psyche. This is not the case with the narcissistic mother. Many narcissistic mothers leave the delivery room, go home and are in there office's within two or three weeks. They may even have a surrogate mother feed the baby after the birth and calm him when he is crying. Not all mothers who return to week early in a baby's life are narcissistic. However, this kind of behavior is not optimum for the baby's psychological well being.

The most significant deprivations is a complete lack of psychological and emotional bonding that the child experiences with the narcissistic mother. She is cold, unavailable and preoccupied with herself. You ask yourself: Why  did she have children? Maybe she accidentally got pregnant and is going through the motions.
Some narcissistic mothers purposely have children they can show off and put on display as narcissistic supplies and living puppets.

Having a narcissistic mother and not being attached to her is a very difficult psychological legacy for the child. In some cases there are substitutes like an aunt, older sister, grandmother or a nanny. This can make all the difference for the child. In some cases the father becomes the mothering figure and that is fortunate. Some children have no one. They are fed, dressed, sent to bed, given breakfast and sent to school in a mechanical manner. The narcissistic mother is critical, cold, disengaged, unaffectionate and basically has nothing to give her child.  The focus of life is herself, not her child. Children who grow up under these circumstances often feel empty inside and find it hard to form warm, secure, trusting relationships with others.

There have always been narcissistic mothers; we now are able to recognize them more specifically. However, there is a serious trend in our society today of the grow of more narcissists and narcissistic mothers. These mothers are not scorned ; they are praised for being able to DO IT ALL. No one can do it all. That is impossible and untrue. What looks lovely on the outside can be a complete nightmare to a child on the inside.

There are adult children of narcissistic mothers who find ways to heal from this deep psychological wound. I have been in contact with many of them. They are strong, caring and often very empathic individuals. They have my deepest respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcississts Live in Psychological Darkness

The external image of the narcissist is the polar opposite of his/her internal world. On the outside the classic narcissist is frequently physically attractive, highly self confident, overflowing with charm. You feel the strong handshake, the eyes that penetrate your gaze, the rising of the jaw that tells you they are sure of every step. They are in command of their lives, unafraid and sure-footed. They spin phenomenal visions that are fueled by their grandiosity. Many people are fascinated by the narcissist in full bloom, exhibiting all of his persuasive gifts. When you are with a master narcissist you believe that anything is possible and can be accomplished with ease. The narcissistic view of life has no limits. They inspire awe in most people if they are high level narcissists who have mastered control and manipulation of others.

Beneath the glittery, irresistible surface, the inner world of the narcissist is empty, bleak and dark. There is a lifeless quality to the inner narcissist. These individuals are unacquainted with their unconscious feelings about themselves. They have no insight and believe their finely spun delusions. They convince others that they are superior and super human. Their followers are blindly loyal and believe they can do no wrong. Deep in the unconscious the narcissist is drowning in his self loathing and fraudulence.  He feels empty and emotionally rudderless.

Pressure, self hatred, psychological lifelessness, unending restlessness and rage build up in the narcissist within the unconscious. The narcissist cannot contain these overpowering feelings so he projects them like bilious vomit  on to those in his close environment. This includes his/her spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings and in-laws. When they seethe with volcanic rage, the sounds emitted are bestial. Some of them let loose in public. Others save these ugly, rancorous scenes for private venues.

If you share your life with a narcissist, despite the role that you play, know that this person is never going to change. This is a severe personality disorder that is fixed and rigid. The narcissist lives in a psychological darkness that pulls others down into its depths. His/her demands, hatreds, treacheries, mounting cruelties, crimes of the heart mount as the darkness envelops him. He is unconcerned since the narcissist is out of touch with himself. It is those around him who are devastated by his internal psychological poisons. At the core he is putrid like a corpse that has been lying in the sun, giving off the lingering odor of death and decay. How long will you stay and be disastrously affected by this individual. Are there enough material rewards to cover up the stench of his vile deeds and deceits. Listen and you will hear the voice of your intuition rising, speaking to you in a compelling tone, telling you: "Get out now. Leave. Don't stay or you will be trapped and lose yourself."

There are many who have successfully removed themselves from the narcissist's dark inner world. They have re-discovered themselves as individuals. The cracks of light have lengthened. They are in full light now and traveling a different road. Know that you can leave this dark place, that you don't belong there.

Like our prehistoric ancestors who carried the miracle of fire from place to place, you have opened the warmth and light that has been waiting to manifest itself. This incandescence cannot be extinguished.  Your life has been restored. You are free and open to all that is deep within you. Celebrate, you are re-born. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlifecom 

Au Revoir to Narcissistic Golden Boy Brother

Is your narcissistic golden boy older brother (or younger brother) still controlling your life, your feelings, your decisions? Is he haunting your dreams and your thoughts? Does he hurt your feelings every time you have contact with him? Is he continuing to demean and humiliate you in front of the family? If the answer is Yes to these questions it is time for a reckoning with this narcissist  even though he is your DNA brother.

You deserve to be treated with respect and understanding despite what any other person thinks, including narcissistic mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and in-laws. You have tried every avenue to make peace with this brother who has taunted you all of your life. Mother and father picked him as the golden children when he was very little. You were left out in the cold to fend for yourself. In some cases you were protected by a grandparent or aunt who loved you deeply. Some of these children go it alone, keep their own counsel and learn to take care of themselves very early. They are courageous human beings.

A time comes when you feel compelled to make the decision to sever the non-relationship with your narcissistic brother. This action frees you up to lead your own life, unimpaired or burdened by the vicious attacks, niggling, picking, verbal assaults of your narcissistic golden boy brother.

Take time to appreciate who you are and acknowledge your creative gifts, your empathy and your unique capacities. Pool together friends that you can trust and from whom you gather strength and full acceptance and caring.

Now you are ready to say "Au Revoir" . You experience an emotional and psychological freedom that is sweet and life giving. Go off on your pathway, fly with the winds, feel the goodness inside of you and know that you are loved. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Women Still Use Sex to Get Ultimate Power

It may be tens of thousands of years old but there are women today, some highly educated and career competent who use their youth, great looks, perfect figures and their seductive skills  to gain ultimate power over men who they stealthily choose as their targets. There are many more women who are  intelligent, well educated, self confident and highly competent who never take this route and reach powerful positions in their fields on their own merit, intelligence, advanced education, perseverance and very hard work.

The women I speak about are conniving narcissists. Some of them go many steps further down the spectrum of ruthlessness and treachery and are sociopaths. Most people do not recognize the socialized sociopath. These individuals are often very attractive physically, have magnetic charm, are very articulate and are very persuasive about their indispensability. They are also relentless. Once they have decided that a particular man, a very successful one with a resume of high level accomplishments will further their career and satiate their grandiose visions, they hatch a complex plan that will lead them directly to their goal. They are unconcerned if this man is married, has children, must protect himself against liaisons due to his professional position. None of this matters. The narcissistic woman who is married with children easily sets her familial  roles aside without a moment's hesitation, and moves at top speed to seduce and possess her targeted male. There is nothing else in her mind. She is relentless. You have seen the female cheetah in the tall grasses sizing up her choices of prey. When the timing is right and the winds are in her favor and her mark has shown vulnerability, she slowly gathers indomitable speed that cannot be surpassed and easily brings down her victim for the perfect kill.  With animals these violent actions are essential to survival.

Human beings are more complex. The narcissistic woman who pursues, seduces and vanquishes her target man has been developing into a narcissistic personality most of her life. If you look into her background you will often find that she always took advantage of others--in class, on the playground, with her friends and even adults. She did this with both charm and a special kind of intimidation. Some narcissistic women have many gifts. They are very attractive, bright, quick, athletic and have mastered the skill of manipulating people with their charm, tremendous confidence and their incredible nerve. They are steely creatures who throw all the rules to the winds to get exactly who and what they want.

Sexual attraction and the promise of hot sex is still one of the most powerful tools a woman can use on a man. Most men can't say No to this level of temptation. The predatory female who is determined to control this man sexually is thrilled by the prospect of "getting him" but her ambitions go much higher. If he is a very big fish, she has already planned how she will use this intimate association to increase her professional power. That's the operative word--Power. Ultimately, when he falls, she doesn't give a damn about him. He is a fool like all of the other men she has seduced, possessed and discarded. She will get the most out of her conquest. Soon she will move on to another mark. When she is called notorious, she secretly smiles inside. Notorious--that has a glamorous, forbidden, mysterious, powerful ring to it.  I like the feel of that word inside my skin,  She says to herself.  
To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Husbands Juggle Sexual Partners

Narcissistic husbands are masters at creating the image of the dutiful spouse. They are very convincing on the subject of loyalty to their spouses. The majority of narcissistic husbands stray all of the time. In fact they have multiple affairs going strong at any given time. Some are one night stands; others are mistresses that go in and out of their lives. There are special women that they can't resist and keep as a sexual security blanket just in case they need to get through the night of their sexual desires. It is amazing how adept these fellows become at juggling many women. If they travel as a result of their business, the sky is the limit. One or two women a night is not unusual. Some professional men including narcissistic physicians,, dentists, corporate leaders have ongoing affairs with their female patients. Sex in the office--no problem. It's after hours--why worry. Narcissistic physicians are prevalent. Our society rewards them with big money, prestige, even worship. Obviously, there are incredibly fine physicians who are completely ethical and professional. I am not speaking about them.

If you think your narcissistic husband is playing around on you, why would you stay married. These days it is dangerous to your physical health. Think of the cascade of stds you can contract as a result of having sex with a husband who is having intimate relations with so many different women. When you have sex with this husband, you are having sex with every woman he has shagged. Not a pretty picture. Self care is essential. The next factor is your psychological and emotional health and what is the effect of this kind of marital arrangement on your children. Marriages with narcissistic men don't work because these men are highly pathological and do not change.

Make a wise decision. Sever the relationship. Consider a formal separation and a divorce. This can be a difficult process. You are entitled to be married to someone who truly loves and protects you. Part of your healing can be facilitated by excellent psychotherapy. Be sure you interview several psychotherapists.
Get support from those you trust and can call upon at any time. There are many healing techniques like gentle yoga, meditation, and creative pursuits that can become an integral part of your healing. Be kind to yourself. Anyone can make the decision to marry a narcissist. They are slippery fellows, difficult to detect. Learn from this life experience and be grateful that you are taking assertive movement toward your personal evolution. Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No Contact with Your Narcissistic Mother Is An Option for Healing Yourself

One of the most difficult roles is to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I hear each unique life story from daughters who have endured having a cold, selfish, exploitive and abusive narcissistic mother. This is a non-mother who is incapable of cherishing and providing comfort to her daughter, even when the child was very small. In some cases there are surrogate mothers in the form of grandmothers, older sisters, aunts and even the mothers of friends. But the little girl longs to have the emotional, physical affection and psychological closeness of a real mom. Often the narcissistic mother is envious of her lovely daughter who is beautiful, bright, unique and creative. From the time she is very young, this daughter knows that mother is jealous of her. It is evident in the way she looks at her daughter with envy. Every step of the way she makes it difficult for this daughter to get close to her dad. She has the master gatekeeper. Mother pretends that she wants her husband all to herself. The truth is she doesn't give a damn about this man. He is an emasculated puppet whom she is using. In some families mother chooses a son to be the golden, very special answer to all of her prayers. He is worshiped from the first. Mother's eyes light up every time she talks about him. He is never corrected for any mistake or cruelty and is allowed to have the run of the house and the family. Under her breath the daughter calls him "the little beast." She spends a lot of time staying out of his presence. He always gets her into trouble, constantly telling lies and making her take the blame for his innumerable misdeeds. Mother always believes him.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers feel trapped. Some use their studies as an escape and respite from the emotional maternal deprivation that they suffer and the unwarranted criticisms of the narcissistic mother. Things get worse when the daughter is a teenager and blooms into a lovely young woman. Then the mother daggers come out. Narcissistic mothers become especially cruel when their daughters are admired and paid attention to by boys and young men. As time passes the mother/daughter relationship worsens (It never existed) but the self hatred of the narcissistic mother is primitively projected on to her daughter. The volleys of dreadful remarks, false accusations, humiliations are constantly hitting the abused daughter. Mercifully, many daughters leave home for school or work and at least have the physical distance to keep them away from the narcissistic maternal poison.

It is painful and agonizing for these daughters to realize that they never had a mother. Instead they had a woman who never wanted them, who did all she could to make her feel unloved. As she becomes independent and sets up her own life, these daughters have a decision to make. Are they going to continue this pseudo relationship with the NM for holidays and visits and phone calls and emails that are often accusatory and off the wall snipes at her. NMs don't change. This is a fixed personality disorder. And mother still believes and always will that she is perfect and her daughter is severely flawed. Some grown daughters manage to maintain a very distant relationship. They make sure they are never alone with mother. That's when her projections are the most toxic. If she is married she uses her spouse as a buffer. For other daughters of NMs it is impossible. Every time there is any kind of exchange it is ugly and cruel.

Many daughters decide to go No Contact  No Visits, Phone Calls, Emails, Texts, Letters, any form of communication. That is how they protect themselves. The difficult work for many of these daughters is in recognizing intellectually and emotionally that they never had a real mother. Some benefit from psychotherapy if it is of a high quality. Others find compassion and deep caring in friendships, partnerships and marriages. Many are freed for the first time in their lives. They are not being judged, rather they can express and feel who they really are. They feel their authenticity, spontaneity and even joy. You deserve to heal from your NM. Your new life is waiting for you. Jump on the boat and take a ride down this glorious river and wait to find even greater beauty, mystery and enchantment around the bend. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Sociopathic Women Play the Sex Card to Destroy Lives

There are specific kinds of narcissistic sociopathic women who are groomed from childhood to believe that they are entitled to have or do anything they want. There are no limits placed on them. They don't develop a conscience. Very early they learn how to cleverly take advantage and manipulate anyone and everyone in their environment to get their limitless needs for veneration, adulation and worship met. These woman are often narcissistic daddy's girls at the beginning. Daddy is so obsessed with his little daughter that a rift occurs with his wife. A fateful triangle develops and his wife and the daughter's mother is left  out of the picture. It becomes a daddy and me portrait. Daddy and his daughter have an erotic tie although this in infrequently acted out sexually. She has become his psychological mate. Early on this daughter knows that she can get dad to do anything for her---even something very outrageous. When she begins to date she exploits teenage boys and then men through her good  looks and sexuality to inflate her enormous ego with mother lodes of narcissistic supplies.

These women get a rush, a sexual one, but more importantly, a power rush when their complicated undulating scheme leading to the seduction of a man has worked perfectly. The sociopathic woman has her target in mind way ahead of time, sometimes for years. She knows exactly what she is going to do to "get this guy, to seduce him, to control him, to destroy him."  Beneath the surface this kind of sociopathic woman hates men. I call her a phallic woman. Although she freely uses her female organs and looks to seduce men, she carries a psychological phallus with her that can defeat any man. On an unconscious level, since childhood, she was forced to become a false self. She was adored for her looks, her brightness, the force of her extroverted personality, not for her real self. On an unconscious level she seeks revenge and the taste of it is sweet when she has seduced a powerful man and unraveled his life. Forget that she is married with children. This is a small detail to her; they are part of her external persona, not her identity. They are living puppets who make her look good. 

When the seduction is complete and the sociopathic woman has achieved total power over this man, she is high--celebrating her victory. Her man, her possession has been carefully picked for his stature, his power position in the world, monetary worth and high voltage connections. She doesn't care if the affair is discovered and becomes public. The betrayal of her husband is a small  footnote and her children are not a factor. When the liaison is discovered and goes viral, this is the fulfillment of her dreams. She has prevailed. These sociopathic women will do their victory dance, acquire all of the power and money and acclaim possible and then move on to the next man whom they can seduce, exploit and destroy. This dangerous game continues throughout her life. She is a predator and will never abandon this role.

The best way to deal with these sociopathic women is to learn to identify them immediately and to distance ourselves from them. To learn about the narcissistic personality and the narcissistic sociopath, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Take Hold of Your LIfe by Healing from the Narcissist

In a mysterious way we can expand and deepen the meaning of our lives when we successfully leave the narcissist (spouse, mother, father, narcissistic family), sibling, mother-in-law) . There are many steps involved. It is a painful but highly valuable process and journey. Recognizing that you are married to a narcissist and the frequent recipient of his/her abuse is the beginning of your healing. This is a tough time. There can creep in the temptation to go back to this man or woman who has occupied large portions of your life. You may have even become accustomed to his outrageous demands and criticisms. And if you have been on board for the heightened lifestyle, this decisive move away from him/her is usually difficult. For some spouses they have been waiting for decades to make the break on the end of the high platform ready to dive into the new waters of life. "What a relief! I am free now to be myself." 

There are as many avenues to healing as there are individuals. Some find that high quality psychotherapy is very helpful. Forming a therapeutic alliance with a therapist who is clinically knowledgeable and highly empathic creates a healing bond that many need during this tough time. Become informed by interviewing several therapists. Some of them with all of their education and training are motivated by the business money driven aspects of their practice. Some therapist dabble in their practices and are not completely committed to helping their clients heal. Do your homework. It will serve you well.

Some individuals find that healing modalities like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath and focusing the mind alleviates their stress and accesses the parasympathetic nervous system--the calming aspect of the body/mind. Others discover their budding creativity in the form of writing, painting, gardening and many other pursuits.Listening to music you love, learning how to dance in any form, walking  or going to the gym are represent many different ways that you can begin to heal. If you have a friend that you can trust and call upon at any time is a source of  strength. You are not alone, remember that. Some turn to meditation in the form that works for them. Short meditations are very effective in calming our errant thoughts. Don't be judgmental when you meditate. It is all about making the effort.

Be kind to yourself. You have been through a series of ordeals as the daughter, son, sibling, husband, wife of a narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality  in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Beware of Narcissistic New Age Spiritual Movements

It is remarkable how many narcissists are involved in the self help, self improvement, developing your spiritual power, new ways to enlightenment. There are many names and fancy titles given to these movements. They begin with a highly charismatic person or couple or small group who are repackaging "spirituality" and making it palatable and modern to appeal to a wide audience. The core group or individual who is at the center of these programs are narcissistic personalities. Their goal is power, the acquisition of large sums of money, personal veneration and fame.

The individual or core group create an appealing package that is based on many practices including eastern philosophies, the occult, pop psychology and show biz. The narcissistic guru is usually physically attractive and demonstrates complete confidence in himself/herself. Many put on the pseudo mantle of humility, compassion, a convincing mien that they have participated in the cosmic realms.  These are highly attractive and magnetic individuals. They are masters at drawing you in to their energy field. Their eye contact is seamless and riveting. When you are engaged with them, you may feel that you are in a sacred presence. This is due to the PR buildup and your expectations about the superior human being you are meeting and the special program they are offering to make you whole, successful and spiritually adept.

These new age narcissistic practitioners set up programs that are expensive and set up in tiers so that those who participate move from one level to the next until they have attained a promised state of enlightenment.

Many of those who join these movements become true believers, even as they have to borrow money to complete the different levels of their programs. The end point is that  those who have been taken in believe that they are now very special and have attained a level of higher consciousness. The narcissistic leaders accrue huge sums of money, expand their worldly reach, propagating their pseudo spirituality throughout many countries.

Behind the curtain of their impeccable presentations, you find that narcissistic spiritualists are greedy, deceptive, money driven hypocrites. When they are in private they luxuriate in their materialism, satiate their desires, are obsessed with having expensive possessions and lead a heady self obsessed lifestyle geared to self satisfaction that is the opposite of true spirituality. 

To protect yourself from these sociopathic narcissists, study the narcissistic personality in-depth.  Respect the messages coming from your intuition which always tells you the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mother-in-Law --Time to Say Goodbye

There are excruciating choices some women have to make. Stay married to a husband who is psychologically fused with his narcissistic mother or make the decision to sever the marriage because you can no longer tolerate the severe narcissistic abuse projected on to you.

This woman is not going to change. She is the vaunted Matriarch of the family. She runs everyone: her husband, children, siblings and any one else that crosses her path. Her son (your husband)  loves and hates his mother but he is psychologically locked in to her. He has never been able to separate himself from her clutches. You married him because of your love for him. You saw a long future of sharing your life with him. Then the nightmare started full force. His narcissistic mother revealed herself in full ugly vengefulness. She gossiped about you to all the relatives, made up secrets about you and your family, telling all who would listen that you came from people who were dishonest and low class, who may have committed crimes. This vicious gossip and flat out lines was very convincing to her coterie of family followers. They believed her.

You recognized that your husband was in fact intimidated like a young boy about hurting his mother's feelings who could turn the tears on and off like a well oiled tap.  What an actress---She needed to take to the stage.
But this is real life for you every day, a miserable impossible situation with this woman and a man who remains a small boy in her presence. It is up to you to decide if you will remain in this very difficult role of villainess. 

There are many life stories of women subjected to this level of narcissistic abuse that recognize that their husbands are so fused with their mothers that this Gordian knot cannot be untied. It is time to say goodbye. This is not an easy parting, but wrenching, especially if you have children. Many women have taken this hard pathway to their freedom from the narcissistic mother-in-law. But the rewards are great. You have your personal freedom, inner peace and all of your options are open for you to use all of your creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Feed You Poison Every Day

It may come in an elaborate porcelain cup or a plain cracked bowl but the contents are the same---psychological poison. Every day that you live with a narcissist, you are putting yourself in the hands of a person who is incapable of love and who secretly hates you. Pathological narcissism is a severe personality disorder and must be taken seriously. Identifying a narcissist can be difficult, especially if they have a very attractive facade and know how to communicate well. They are often socially very smooth and are gifted at pretending that they are genuinely interested in you. Even when you marry a narcissist you are often unaware of how disturbed and destructive to your life they will be. Deep inside the narcissist loathes himself. He has no inner resources to turn to. As a result of his unconscious self hatred and emptiness he projects psychological detritus on to you. He is the perfect one; you are horribly flawed. These projections put in your cup day by day are drams of psychological poison that you swallow. How many doses of this nasty brew will you take?

You are at the narcissist's disposal to satisfy his outrageous ego needs, burnish his image and if you have  a highly successful career and profession, a stellar economic profile high level social connections, he will invite himself to use these as well. Narcissists are toxic. When we see a label that is marked poison, we are repelled and step away. The narcissist's potion takes away your freedom, your confidence, siphons off your creative ideas.  Some spouses of narcissists become physically ill as a result of their constant exposure to the narcissist's vile nature.  You can decide that you will  not take this cup, that it is disastrous for you. You have the free will to say "No" and dispose of this blight upon your life. There are so many spouses who have made this choice and there lives are transformed as a result. They are free now to re-start their lives, to engage their creative gifts and to discover that there are genuine human beings who are waiting to meet them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Heal Yourself from Cruelty of Narcissistic Sibling

There are innumerable life stories that I hear about the suffering of adults who were tormented by their narcissistic siblings. They felt helpless and alone. The NS terrorized them to the point where they couldn't tell anyone what they were experiencing. In some dreadful instances the parent was narcissistic and was complicit in these horrendous deeds. The perpetrator was the golden child narcissist chosen by the mother or father to be the perfect one who could do no wrong, didn't develop a conscience, respect for his siblings and had a sense that he/she could do whatever he wanted, including psychological injury to those closest to him/her.  When you were very young you had to survive. You learned to become invisible to the sibling. You knew his/her comings and goings and made sure you stayed out of his/her way. You learned to be alone and to find other places to go, to sneak away from you house that was unsafe, a fear-filled place of haunting and memories of terror.

As an adult you may feel the remnant of this pain that comes through you in waves when this sibling comes to mind. Even now the ugly memories invade your mind.  Know that you can heal from this state of fear and  activate a solid sense of self. Remember you have survived this trauma as a child. First, recognize that you deserve to lead a life where you feel inner peace and emotional security. There are healing practices that you can use to balance your psychological equilibrium. One of them is yoga with emphasis on the breath--a gentle practice. Some individuals benefit from a form of meditation that works for you. Getting in touch with your creativity through journaling, spontaneous writing, sketching, painting, dancing, singing---all of these activities can help you to move forward to reclaim your life. In most instances the sibling who has been victimized needs to sever the relationship with the NS. Remember there never has been a real relationship since narcissists are incapable of any kind of closeness, affection or connectedness. Many siblings go no contact and  find that this is a source of relief. They have ended a very painful chapter in their lives and can now move forward. You deserve this above all--to become the person you were always meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Quit Giving Narcissistic Sociopaths A Big Pass

We are surrounded by innumerable narcissistic sociopaths in our current society. They don't pull robberies or stick ups but they steal huge sums of money from millions of people through the way that they do business. They have impeccable images, are lionized by their followers, are surrounded by A  List people. If you think that any narcissistic sociopath would ever care about you, protect you or cherish you---you are absolutely wrong. Narcissistic sociopaths focus on getting to the top of the money and power heap and running over anyone who gets in their way---including spouses, ex-spouse, their children. Narcissistic sociopaths commit many crimes. Some involve sophisticated forms of embezzlement, tax evasion, subtle extortions, and devastating crimes of the heart. There are children of narcissistic sociopaths who decades later cannot get over what their vane, selfish, morally bankrupt and criminally culpable parent has done to them. There are too many tragic life stories to count--too many lives that have been thrown away.  Much of this is due to current society's easy acceptance of the narcissistic sociopath as the new hero. After all, he/she obtains anything he wants and must have.His gratifications are uncountable yet he is not required to pay any consequences for his evil misdeeds, the craven, cruel neglect of his children, his spouses, those who work for him, anyone at his mercy..

When is this adoration with incense of the narcissistic sociopath going to stop! If you have awakened to the stunning reality of those who are in charge who fit this psychopathology, don't be part of the hosannas throng that is empowering them with your silence. When we remain mute against what is evil we become part of its dynamic of harm and destruction of human beings. When we place our selfish search for constant pleasure and ego enhancement above the needs of those who are suffering beneath the choking yoke of these masters of the universe we are complicit with their crimes.

Many people growing in numbers are in a frenzied search for material acquisitions that are  MORE, BIGGER AND BEST. Wanting, acquiring, satiation are repeated endlessly in infinite cycles. This addiction to MORE affects those who are on pilgrimage to nowhere. This course poisons everyone in the environment  This style of life will never end until those who are involved are halted by people whose eyes are open to reality not delusion. If you are awake, speak up and act accordingly. I have heard from many who see through the delusion, lead their lives with an awareness to the needs of others. One of their greatest enjoyments is to share what they have, what they know, what will make someone else's  life less painful and burdened. There is an endless futile search that many people are pursuing right now to always have MORE.   Wanting and acquiring More has no end. After moments of satiation and giddiness, the need arises even stronger within the human psyche. This is at the epicenter of the narcissistic sociopath's way of life. Study the narcissist and the narcissistic sociopath in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Endless Nightmare Married to a Sociopath

You notice the smooth talk that focuses on you alone, the penetrating gaze, the over-confident vibe, the irresistible physicality. You were seduced in style. He anticipated everything you always wanted. You never thought you would deserve such a catch. The sexual chemistry was incendiary. Like the pull of a strong tide, you couldn't move away from him. In the first minutes, he had you. Your thoughts swirled and went askew. A small voice kept saying: this is too fast, be careful, watch out. But this voice is a tiny wail in a thunderous ocean of sound. Your temple pulses rush; your legs wobble. There is quick rising pleasure as you acquiesce to his presence. He want to take you out. You say no at first, followed by your confusion and then Yes. This is the beginning of a relationship that seems magical--out of this world but will turn worse than ugly.

The courtship is fast and dizzying, a wild giddy ride of sensual appetites satiated and thrilling promises. You get married and know that this is the best moment of your life. For a while life is a living fantasy of having every need and want fulfilled. As the days move into months you  notice subtle shifts in his behavior toward you. He becomes less attentive. He finds your questions about him intrusive and you hear the sharpness in his tone of voice. He spends  vast amounts of time with his "investments". You don't know about his career other than something vague about a private investment fund that he owns and runs for clients. Clint spends less and less time with you. He is out late and doesn't call. On occasion he is gone all night. "I had to meet an important client at the airport and it got to late." That's the kind of excuse he gave. You swallowed them but there was a doubt in your mind now. "I don't think you can trust this person" it kept saying.

One night very late, he comes home and he is very pissed off. One of his deals fell through and he is in a fury. You try to help him talk through it. He grabs you by the arm, digging his fingers sharply and painfully into you. "This is none of your business. Shut up!"  "If you keep talking, I'll slam you against the wall, I promise." You are shocked and terrified.  Keep quiet, the frightened child's voice says to you. Clint becomes more evasive and absent from home. He gets telephone calls late at night. He moves into the other room so you can't hear him. One day you notice that he has withdrawn $50,000 from your bank account. You have put  his name on your private account.  Clint glibly makes excuses and promises to pay you back in a week. This never happens. Now you are very suspicious but afraid to confront him. After months of this destructive pattern of his behavior and your misery and horror (you can't sleep at night and have headaches constantly) you tell a friend what is really going on. Fortunately, she helps you find a good therapist.  The therapeutic work is painful but healing. You finally recognize that this man whom you have loved is highly disturbed---a sociopath. You discover with research that he has a long history of taking advantage of women financially and sexually. You choose an excellent attorney and make a detailed plan to leave. You don't give a clue to Clint about your plans. During a weekend when he is heavily into a "Business Deal" you leave without a trace. You have chosen an excellent divorce attorney. All communications take place through the attorneys. One fine day the divorce is final. You have extricated yourself from an ultimate nightmare marriage to a sociopath. Not all life stories of marriages to sociopaths end as well as this one. Learn everything possible about the sociopathic personality and the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com