Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Struggling to Get Back What You Never Had

Dreams of having a loving mother linger in the mind and heart--especially inside of those who never had one and have not come to terms that their mother who is a narcissistic personality. Some daughters spend decades making herculean efforts to gain the attention, affection, approval, respect and love of their mothers. The narcissistic mother is incapable of genuine love. In public with her daughter, she appears to be caring, even doting. Photographs of the two of them are taken to prove her devotion. The narcissistic mother is the best PR representative for her image as a great devoted mother. Friends and relatives of these mothers would never guess that this woman is as cold as a frozen mummy buried in deep snow. These women are psychologically inert inside, empty, rage filled and self loathing. The narcissist is unaware of the bleak inner landscape which he/she inhabits. On the outside the narcissistic mother can be highly accomplished professionally and socially. Other mothers look up to her as an example of a woman who can do it all. The opposite is true. Narcissistic mothers are non-mothers. They imprison their daughters psychologically and emotionally, limiting their chances of being authentic, using their gifts and talents, feeling the joy of the moment--just being themselves.

It is painful but true for these daughters who have suffered so much to realize that they cannot conjure up, work hard at or hope for a mother who never existed from the beginning. Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed rigid disorder that is not inclined to make any adaptations or innovations in character. The woman that "raised" you is the person who is be abusive, abrasive, divisive perfidious, dismissive, self absorbed, rude and emotionally cold.

At some point you can make another effort at accommodation with your NM. This is entering a rocky road filled with emotional agony-- pain you have experienced all of your life. Is it worth another effort?. How many more times will you marshal the psychological energy to try one more time to get love from a mother who is incapable of giving it? Now you say: Not this time, Not again. It is done.

Working through the grief of not having a loving mother is a tough order. Pretending that your mother is not narcissistic is self defeating and continues to limit your life and your being. This is a battle that you can win by recognizing that your narcissistic mother will not change. She is not coming to seek your affection or beg for forgiveness.

Take the steps necessary to sever yourself from this place of sorrow and pain. Do the work of mourning for a mother you never had. You are courageous. Give yourself credit. This is very difficult but necessary. Some daughters seek professional help. Make sure that if you do, the therapist you turn to is not a narcissist but a highly empathic trained devoted professional who is watching out for you and the renewal of your life as a separate whole person. Gather around you those who deeply appreciate your true nature, who respect your individuality, who celebrate your gifts. Be patient with yourself throughout this process. There will be travail and missteps. That is a natural part of the healing process. As you come through into your own, you will feel the dynamic energy and creativity and bursts of spontaneity that are now running freely through you. Embrace the healing process and be proud of this great evolution of the self.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


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