Friday, June 28, 2013

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Healing Your Beautiful Heart

Daughters of the ultimate mothers from Hell--narcissistic ones--suffer beyond measure. Often they were never wanted and early on the NM makes this very clear without subtlety. Her babies are set aside, left screaming themselves to sleep, whimpering until they are totally exhausted. Little children in these households are raised by their older siblings. Mother is unavailable in every way. She works a hundred hours a week and after work she is at the gym or off on a hot date. She doesn't think or worry about her kids as human beings. They only have value if she can extrude the living gold of their talents, good looks, intellectual smarts, etc.  If she lands a "great kid" that has it all, she fixates on this child as if he/she is a prince or princess. The other children are ignored, demeaned and criticized for not measuring up to her living treasure, the reflection of "her perfect self." As you grow--unloved, unprotected, lonely, fearful, waiting for the next verbally abuse ambush--you are always on edge, waiting for mother's next footfall.  Will she play "nice" tonight because she is "in love" (or "in lust") with a new man? Did she come back from a manic clothes buying frenzy, filled with gorgeous things that she will wear to make men salivate and women fulminate.

As the years pass the daughter of the narcissist is lonely. She may have a few friends but she realizes that she cannot tell them about her real life.  She makes up stories about her family that sound normal and will pass for true. These daughters are always in the survival zone, never knowing what NM's next mood swing will bring. Teen age daughters of NMs are often hated for their beauty.You are her mortal rival and she lets you know it in every way--from the cold, piercing, heart palpitating look of her steely eyes to the grimace mouth that says: "You disgust me. I despise you. Stay out of my sight."

When you leave this home of horror and wretchedness you are grateful that it is over with her. But often the most hurtful patterns of childhood with a NM are repeated in the partners we choose to marry. It is not that unusual for daughters to marry narcissistic husbands. After the passion has cooled and you are no longer being sought after and the glory of the wedding day has faded, you begin to experience the full force of the narcissistic spouse. He has turned into a psychological monster, a being whom you never recognized during the preliminaries and courtship---or were there inklings that you ignored? When you recognize that he is a narcissist and are done in by the constant verbal abuse and accompanying stress, you divorce him. This is painful but necessary.

You go your own way but there are lingering remnants of psychological pain impinging on your life. Some daughters discover that excellent psychotherapy helps them through the process of healing from the NM.
An essential part of your healing and wholeness is to heal your beautiful heart--that part of your original self that has always been with you since the beginning. This is your spirit embodied--your essence. There are a number of ways to to this. One is to learn how to take good care of yourself. Self care and self protection are not learned from daughters of narcissistic mothers because mother was completely pre-occupied with herself--totally self absorbed. You were a distant thought from her mind or the one whom she found ways to criticize because in many cases she was envious of you.

It is time for you to think about what is best for you as an individual. You deserve to live with deep inner peace, to be treated with respect and to be protected. Learning self protection is part of this process. When you meet others, check with your intuition and it will tell you if this person is genuine and empathic. Take care of your human needs: restorative sleep, healthy food, exercise, downtime for music, free writing and any other activities that you enjoy. Slowly you will become open and receptive to the flow of life itself. Listen to music that moves you. Music is profoundly healing. It moves through the body and mind and soul and soothes us in a way that cannot be reached through words alone. Be open with your imagination and come up with daily routines that
work for you. Allow yourself to think big where there are no boundaries to your creativity and expansiveness. The tendrils of joy appear, deepen, expand and grow. Tend to your garden of delight, imagination and fancy--it is yours and it is wonderful. Visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

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