Covert Narcissists-Hiding in the Weeds

When we visualize a narcissist we imagine him or her at center stage, all eyes riveted. High level narcissists, those who are highly successful in the world, come with great fanfare. They announce their presence. Everything about them is impeccable: their clothing, physical attractiveness, smooth social skills and personal magnetism. These narcissists are natural salesmen and extroverts. They obsessively talk about themselves, their auspicious achievements, superiority, etc ad nauseam. At times they focus on someone whom they know they can control and manipulate for their purposes. Then the narcissist focuses his attention specifically on the chosen person who will fulfill some goal or wish for the narcissist. 

We have another style of narcissist---the covert narcissist. He appears as a humble, low key individual,  ready to serve, caring individual. The covert narcissist firmly believes he has a sterling character and convinces others of this dreadful lie. In the beginning you feel like the covert narcissist will do anything for you. Some of them put themselves in the role of servant to you. Despite their purported servant status covert narcissists eventually display their sharp teeth. If they believe that you are competing with them for money, status or some one's affections, they will take you on: spread lies about you, think nothing of ruining your reputation, disburse all of your confidential information and employ any number of tactics to vanquish you.
The covert narcissist, after perpetrating all of this psychological damage, returns to his/her above reproach, even holy image until the next time he is driven to win at all costs. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Deceit upon Deceit

The narcissist is never straight or true. He is programed to be deceitful. He or she betrays others in this way so smoothly that most people don't have a hint that they have been compromised. The narcissist deceives without conscience or concern for the welfare of anyone but himself. Deceit in the narcissist is what psychoanalysts call ego syntonic, meaning that it is experienced as normal and natural to this individual. Most of us feel uncomfortable and very guilty when we trick someone for the purpose of our personal gain. We feel guilty and ashamed. This is not part of the narcissist's personality structure. The need to be truthful and go by the rules is absent in these individuals. They seek a direct route to their goals and if that includes the manipulation and deception of others, so be it. He can always make excuses later, meaning adding to the lies is easy and natural to him. A high level narcissist is skilled at keeping his "stories" straight. He piles lie upon lie and is so convincing that his victims buy the explanations. One of the ways that narcissists get away with multiple deceits is by making big promises and creating grandiose visions for their partners and other members of the golden circle. Even when a narcissist gets caught, he continues to lie and use subterfuge to protect his public image. After all of his destructive behaviors that have harmed so many, including his children and spouses, the narcissist continues to have followers who still come to his defense. In extreme cases, where the marriage has dissolved, there are instances in which the narcissist turned his previous spouse's family against the victim. That's how diabolically masterful the narcissist is at the art of deception.

When you can no longer be lied to every day, when you are exhausted from the deceitful manipulations perpetrated upon you and your children and disgusted with being forced to live someone else's life script,  you can decide to stay and compromise or you can move toward a final severing of the partnership or marriage.

I hear from many individuals who took this final step. They report that the struggle to be free was worth the ordeal. They are at peace with their decision and would never return to life with a narcissist despite the heady promises. They have reclaimed themselves, are growing, separating and individuating, nourishing their creative gifts and finding a peaceful refuge inside themselves. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Leaving My Narcissistic Mother

I am speaking to all of those who have suffered at the hands of a narcissistic family member, particularly a narcissistic mother. All parents have flaws--but narcissistic parents are among the worst. One of the most difficult roles in life is to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I hear from so many of these individuals who tell their stories with courage and great candor. It is very difficult to acknowledge that you didn't feel love from your mother.  This lack of feeling on the part of mother is often normalized by the young child. She says to herself : "That's the way mom is; she doesn't express tender emotions. Mother expects me to be perfect, made in her image." "If I obey and do eveything she expects perfectly, I know mom will love me some day." This time never comes as much as the child has convinced herself that a miracle can take place and that her wishes and prayers will be answered.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers go into an emotional deep freeze. They have been hurt and disappointed so many times that they unconsciously force themselves not to expect any affection from mother. This response can generalize to behaviors of emotional alienation and social isolation. Other daughters, feeling needly and desperate, fall carelessly into the arms of those who can't be trusted with their tender feelings and painful wants. These women often become victims of exploitive men who dominate them and break their spirit and any potential sense of independence. And there are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are molded and become narcissists, continuing the family tradition of spreading deep psychological and emotional pain.

Each daughter is a unique individual and has suffered the narcissistic mother wound. Some make a decision by will or default to continue to cope with an impossible narcissistic mother. Others decide that the pathological bond must be severed. These daughters leave behind the painful pieces of a relationship that never worked because authentic maternal love, the essential ingredient, was missing. Some of these daughters find warmth, acceptance and understanding from surrogate mothers--family members and friends.
So many of these incredible daughters with whom I have communicated are loving, caring, compassionate women. They deserve our honor and a deep wish that they have discovered deep love and inner peace that resides within them. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

True to a Narcissist-False to Yourself

If you are living with, married to or having a serious relationship with a narcissist, it is in your best interest to recognize that you can't be deeply involved with one of these individuals and stand on your own personal truth. Narcissists compromise the lives of everyone they encounter if you join in union with them. Narcissists plot the potential use you are to them, how they can employ you to inflate their egos, wealth, feelings of entitlement and superiority. You are a pawn in the narcissist's hands as soon as you relinquish your power to them.

Narcissists are conniving phonies. They are skilled method actors who have a charmed circle of true believers around them if they are particularly successful. Success very often has nothing to do with the truth. There are people of great integrity who experience tremendous success. The narcissist is an exception. No matter what he or she achieves, there is always a price many pay to get him to his goal. The narcissist leaves so many discarded lives in the wake of his glory and success.

If you are true to yourself, live authentically, fear no one's delusional opinions of you and are willing to buck the furious winds of fickle minds, you will be victorious over the narcissists (growing in number each day) who wander the earth in search of narcissistic supplies which often include people they are more than willing to destroy to get what they want. The narcissistic world including the vast global media gives narcissists, especially supernarcissists a huge pass because they now hold the reins of worldly power. Those who are true to themselves listen to the inner voice of the true self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorce Battles-Clash of the Narcissistic Titans

Today in the media we watch divorce battles extraordinaire between famous narcissistic couples. The level of histrionic drama is like watching a full scale production of Aida at La Scala. There are the armies of attorneys going head to head. These forays are exhibitionistic and ugly. Very public nasty divorces are craved by the media and general pubic. There is the division of property, investments, multiple residences, planes, etc. We can learn a lot from watching these sordid melodramas. When there are children involved, narcissists think nothing of dispensing with them as a huge burden unless they are to be used as human trophies of triumph. Children are of no consequence to narcissists as individual valuable human beings.


What we take away from these very public displays is that those who are not narcissistic have very different values and priorities. Learn to appreciate that your life is about becoming more authentic each day, that you have respect for other human beings. Your relationships are based on deep concern for another, not what you can obtain from some one else to get ahead. Stay on your course and let the tawdry delusional scenes become yesterday's news. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.


Telephone Consultation: United States and International


Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life


Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition


Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Seeing Through the Narcissist's Seduction

Narcissists, especially those who are high level and very successful in the world, are exquisitely gifted at the art of seduction. The narcissist puts his/her romantic sights on the individual of his choosing to become the perfect partner. In the wooing stage there is nothing the narcissist won't do for the intended. He gives the impression of being able to read your mind: your deepest wishes and longings. There is a place inside of each person that is emotionally vulnerable. Those who are unaware of their psychological weakness and personal proclivities are fair game for a narcissist on the hunt. The opening rounds of the narcissist's choreography reads like a modern fairy tale. He anticipates all of your needs and is prepared to have them come true right before your eyes. Many find themselves loosing control, becoming giddy and overwhelmed by the narcissist's attentions--his/her overly generous gift giving and special attention. It is at this point that the party pursued by the narcissist can still make an early, safe exit from the tightening noose of this pathological relationship. After this phase comes psychological possession. The narcissist is fusing with you. He/she views you as his possession. At first being possessed by someone who adores you and will give you anything you want and beyond is the answer to every wish you have ever had. This is the bait and the open trap that is awaiting you. As the narcissist's secures the possession phase you have less and less control over your life, your thoughts, your behaviors, your feelings, your decisions. Individuals who have lived independently before meeting a stealthy narcissist, confess that they were seduced. They could not resist.

Learn to recognize the signs of the narcissist's clever moves. If it's too good to be true, believe it. If the promises and attentions are over the top, take heed. Listen to yourself and especially your intuition. Study the narcissist in all of his/her in detail and depth so that when one of these individuals walks into your life, you will recognize him very quickly. It is possible to have a keen sense, like a scent of narcissism that you pick up in a person. This kind of knowing together with your research will protect you from the infamous narcissistic seduction. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Married to a Narcissist-Don't Pay with Your Life

When we are children, many of us are at the mercy of our parents. Some children are blessed with kind, empathic parents. Others happen upon mothers and fathers who are good enough. Many are saddled with poor excuses for parents--those who abandon us physically, emotionally or both. And there are intolerable parents who are psychotic, sadistic, narcissistic, or have various combinations of psychological disorders. Children do the best they can to survive. Within a family, given the same parents, one child will survive the worst conditions; another will have a much more painful experience.

Eventually, the goal is to separate and individuate from the parents to become a separate, independent, solid human being who uses his/her talents, intellectual capacities to lead a successful life on every level.

Those who marry narcissists are trapped by them by a golden thread. The narcissist is so compelling and beguiling that before we know it we are seduced and eventually trapped. The narcissist creates a psychological labyrinth for his partner. "A labyrinth is a complex series of winding paths, similar to a maze...a labyrinth forces the walker to follow a specific serpentine path." The narcissist designs and orchestrates the labyrinth that the spouse must walk. Those married to narcissists eventually feel helpless since they must continue the strict pathway the narcissist has set for them. There are to be deviations. The spouse cannot be herself or himself---everything--the way you think and feel and act is decided by the narcissist. Often people in these situations have told me they felt they would never escape.

At some tipping point many of those imprisoned by the narcissist find the courage, strength, fortitude and sheer will to break through the boundaries of the labyrinth and run free (often for the first time in their lives).
The narcissistic spouse is often shocked by this independent behavior. His threats no longer work, his recriminations are impotent---You have asserted the center of the true self that no one can vanquish. As you move further and further away from your lost years in the labyrinth, you are infused with great energy, creative reserve, an abiding peace and grateful joy---and a deep sense of the preciousness of all of life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com