The Narcissistic Couple's Folie a Deux

A folie a deux is "the simultaneous occurrence of symptoms of a mental disorder ( for example, delusions) in two persons who are closely related---siblings, husbands and wives. One narcissist in a family is a horrendous disturbance to all the other members. Two, especially if they are a narcissistic husband and wife folie a deux, are a series of unending nightmares. And if they are parents, god help us. There are children of narcissistic parents who survive these impossible psychological conditions to not only tell the tale but to become solid, fine, intelligent, caring human beings in their own right. The road for them has been filled with ruts, incoming fire and bursts of rage, intimidations, manipulations and thickets of lies and betrayals. When they do prevail these children are incredible survivors who deserve our respect and congratulations. 

The narcissistic couple live in their own delusional world. One of them is psychologically predominant over the other. There are fierce battles at times over power positions but the one member of the couple who is more dependent, acquiesces. If they are successful and make A Lists socially, they often have a group of loyal followers who believe they are perfect people. They are very attractive, charming, appear to be giving and caring, fun to entertain, witty, engaging. Narcissistic couples adore being in the spotlight and often give parties. These are events that are like an opening night on Broadway. These couples are highly grandiose and often exhibitionistic. Their relationship is often based on the reciprocation of narcissistic supplies. Those who have made it financially indulge themselves with constant trips, extravagant gifts, extraordinary personal spending, re-doing their already perfect homes. Their children are ignored, except for the one or two whom the mother or father decides is the chosen one---the perfect reflection of the parent. This child is pampered, spoiled rotten, allowed to be cruel and insensitive to his siblings and not held accountable for serious misdeeds. The children not handpicked are subjected to being extras on  a movie set--They are the atmosphere. Every now and then they are posed for a family photo. Often they are sent away to school because the folie a deux parents are too busy leading their own profligate lives to be burdened by having to give any attention to child. Even babies are swept away and given to nannies for full time care. Mother or father see their children rarely. In some homes, the folie deux couple build a separate residence for the children so they can continue their lives uninterrupted.  

The folix a deux narcissistic couple are petulant selfish cruel children who greedily seek pleasure and diversion. They remain infantile and utterly superficial . If they have money they can command a golden circle of admirers who reinforce their feelings of perfection and ultimate power. The folie a deux narcissistic couple is despicable in that they abandon their children or make them into breathing models of themselves who can never be real. 

Adult children of this dreadful psychopathological constellation who prevail are extraordinary human beings---who through the testimony of their lives give hope and strength to all of us. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in book and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists Throw You Off Guard and Take You Down

The covert narcissist, who can be difficult to identify until you have been bitten by him or her, flies under the
radar. They wear the dress and manner of civility, empathy (of course finely tuned false empathy) and humility. This is their masterful facade---Covert narcissists are often mistaken caring human beings who value your well being above yours.The covert narcissist is not grandiose. In the beginning he doesn't brag about himself.
He appears to look up to you. The covert narcissist works on your ego needs to feel special, important, bright, talented. These individuals are great performers. How self sacrificing and dutiful can you get!

If you are a good catch as a marital partner (You are a well respected professional; you come from a prominent well connected family; you have an enviable financial portfolio) the covert narcissist is stepping over himself with compliments. You are superior, brilliant, talented, accomplished---the most extraordinary person he has ever met. It isn't long before the CN has control of your feelings. You have fallen for him. You are lapping up the narcissistic supplies as the CN is throwing bouquets of roses at your feet. You feel adored for the first time in your life.

You marry the CN. It doesn't take long for the dark side of the CN to appear behind closed doors. The core narcissistic personality is revealed in all of its ugliness--the demands, non stop criticisms, accusations, recriminations, manipulations. Barrages of insults fill the air; you are suffocating with anxiety. The spouse of the narcissist is worn down and exhausted, living in a state of ongoing apprehension, anxiety and hyper vigilance.

The disparity between the humble, charming facade of the CV and his real nature is astounding. Often the psychologically injured spouse is not believed. and further abused. Isolated, worn down and desperate the covert narcissist swoops in to take you down---financially, emotionally, psychologically. He finds another willing partner---someone else whom he can fool, use and abuse. To protect yourself and learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and eBook
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


 

Leaving the Narcissist---From Delusion to Truth

Narcissists live in a world of their own making. For the classic narcissist it is larger than life to suit his  enormous ego. They stand at the center of the universe---everything and everyone revolves around them. Those who are married to narcissists, children of narcissists or siblings of narcissists are keenly aware that there isn't enough room for them in this view of reality. The narcissist is highly deluded. He/she believes that he is perfect, incapable of making mistakes, ruthlessly self absorbed and willing to psychologically endanger even his wife and children to get what he wants. Some spouses of narcissists are so mesmerized by them that they are psychologically fused and are unable to distinguish themselves from their partner. In spite of this some of those who share a comfortable lifestyle with the narcissist continue to fool themselves that they are truly loved. The narcissist cannot love or be intimate with another human being. Many are deluded, spending much of their lives wishing rather than facing reality. At times we are swept away and impressed with people who are highly successful  and appear to have it all, without considering that they are not human beings of integrity. They are shallow, empty, venal, ruthless and superficial. It is their worldly acquisitions and their power reach that impress the majority of people today. This is all part of the narcissistic style which has become predominant among  a large portion of our population.

Many of those psychologically abused by the narcissist in their roles of spouse, child or sibling finally wake up and recognize that this individual suffers from a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Spouses of narcissists can decide to stay in this abusive relationship and make the most of their constrained lives. You cannot be yourself; you are suffocating from the narcissist's overwhelming role in your life; you are not free to be creative and you have no inner peace. Severing a relationship with a narcissist is not easy but it can be done. It is a grand leap from delusion to truth---your truth. Those who have taken this initiative with courage and perseverance discover that they are now living with the truth about themselves, have their life opening and expanding in front of them and are free to determine their own destinies. If they have children, they have given them a greater chance of becoming whole solid human beings who seek and experience truth over delusion.

Major life decisions are worth all of the hard work, effort and stamina that they take. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Each moment lived in truth is a great achievement. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---You Deserve to Heal Sooner than Later

Each daughter of a narcissistic mother is unique. Her life experiences are specific to her but there are common psychological dilemmas daughters of narcissistic mothers share. As a small child she was never appreciated for herself as an individual. Even if she was the chosen one, the star of the family, this daughter was not allowed to be her real self. Some daughters of narcissists become narcissistic themselves. Most often this is  not the case. The daughters of these mothers suffer horribly under the cruel dictatorship of insensitive, demanding, cold mothers who impose themselves on their children.  Some daughters are used as scapegoats by the mother. This is one of the most painful and difficult roles for a young child. There is no peace or respite for these daughters. Many of them make themselves invisible and do everything they can to be out of mother's line of fire. There are daughter who spend their childhood and adulthoods  in sadness, confusion, anger and guilt. They feel invalidated by the narcissistic mother at every turn. The constant criticisms, put downs, demeaning comments and cruel manipulations reverberate deeply within them. Some daughters keep returning to the mother for love which she is incapable of giving. 

The goal of each daughter of a narcissistic mother is to reclaim her life----a life that was commandeered by a woman who is not a real mother. In some cases the daughter was able to obtain comfort and acceptance from the father, a grandmother, aunt or a family friend.

One of the first steps to healing is recognizing that mother is a narcissistic personality disorder that will not change. Another part of the  process is grieving over the mother that you didn't have. You are a special human being,not a possession of a woman who has no understanding or empathy. This is a difficult step and old pain comes to the surface. Being able to deal with the loss and the recognition by the daughter that she is a valuable separate person in her own right. This represents a great movement toward individuation and personal freedom.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are helped by quality psychotherapy with a clinician who has clinical expertise on the narcissistic personality disorder. The nest step is a transition of turning around how the daughter experiences herself. This begins with her understanding that she shares her mother's DNA but not her characterlogical attributes. As time moves forward these daughters discover and develop their unique creative gifts. This movement toward creativity is essential in making a clear break as a separate person who deserves to feel whole and independent. Many healing modalities are effective in moving in this direction. One pathway is through practices like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. When we breathe through a pose we are enlivened and calmed at the same time. Yoga can be done on any level. It is highly adaptable to the individual. Another regular routine is developing your own meditation practice. Meditation is a personal activity. Learning to be at peace with yourself is invaluable to healing. Discovering your own expression of creativity is invaluable in redefining yourself. Some daughters discover that journaling and writing regularly is a freeing experience that allows them to express and appreciate what is deep inside and needs to be treasured. Some daughters discover that helping other women who have been victimized by these mothers is part of their healing. It is time now to reach out for the life that you deserve. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Everyone is Disposable to the Narcissist--Even His Spouse and Children

Narcissists are incapable of sincere feelings and deep relationships. They are brilliant actors. You make believe, even if you have been married to a narcissist for a number of years, that this person loves you. The narcissist in incapable of loving anyone. This is not part of his psyche. He/she views human relationships as stepping stones that will enhance their image socially and professionally, impress the right people. They are vehicles that smooth their way toward goals they have been fixated most of their lives. Absolutely no one, not even their spouses or children is permitted to create obstacles as they climb professionally, creating greater influence and connecting with the right people. When push comes to shove the narcissist is compelled due his dark motivations to manipulate and exploit those closest to them. Narcissists often substitute one family for another. It isn't unusual for them to start with a beginning family. When they discover that their spouse and children are not capable of heightening their prestige and power reach, they abandon entire families. They have absolutely no guilt about these cruel, psychologically devastating decisions and their painful consequences.

Narcissists shift quickly to the next phase of their climb toward their targeted summit by seeking a second marriage that will bring them the connections and access to which they are entitled. This time they make sure that the new spouse has any number of a combination of qualifications. She could be a prominent medical specialist who is part of an auspicious social circle. Marrying into a prominent well established family is a tried and true route. Once accepted by this new family the narcissist digs in to eventually control its key members To solidify the union, they often have children with the new spouse to become indispensable to their newly created nuclear family and extended families.



The previous spouse and children have long been forgotten. The narcissist acts as if they never existed. Often he refuses to provide alimony and child support and uses the manipulations of the court system to avoid his legal and moral obligations. The narcissist views all of this like an annoyance, something he uses his hand picked attorneys to distance himself from the past. For the narcissist it doesn't exist.

Narcissists are ultimate opportunists and exploiters so it isn't surprising that some of them jump from one relationship or marriage to another, always looking for the fulfillment of their grandiose visions.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth and to protect yourself from his/her tactics, study this fixed personality disorder which does not change. You deserve to be a part of genuine loving relationships built on trust, deep love and respect. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Golden Boy Sons and Mothers They Love to Hate

Narcissistic golden boys are created not born. Often they are the progeny of narcissistic mothers. One of the family patterns creates a pathological triangle between father, mother and son. Some narcissistic mothers spend their lives devoted to the male they love the most---their narcissistic son. The narcissistic mother has never loved her husband. He was hand picked by her as a vehicle for enhancing her illustrious self image. If he is a specialist in medicine and at the top professionally---a cardiologist, prominent surgeon, esteemed neurologist or psychiatrist, a stellar scientist, inventor, entrepreneur--this woman has assured herself of an identity, an image that will constantly be providing her ego with narcissistic supplies. She has placed herself at the center of prestige and power. Her marriage is a business arrangement, She doesn't love this male creature .He is a treasure she has been plotting for and seeking all of her life, a stepping stone to her greatness. Her individual stock rises with marriage to a man of superior achievement and extraordinary power reach and prestige.

Much more than her marriage to the prominent man, the narcissistic mother puts her focus from the time of infancy on her prized son. If she has other children they are treated differently from this golden being, the source of the joy and purpose of her life. This psychological fusion between mother and son doesn't work for the other family members.They are often treated abusively or at minimum are demeaned and dismissed by their narcissistic mothers.

As the golden boy narcissistic son grows he gathers even greater psychological control of his mother. He has been given everything by her---admiration, benefits of a great education, treatment as a human godlike figure. The golden boy narcissist consciously believes that he is superior to his siblings and his father.Beneath the surface is a mother's darling who despises his mother on an unconscious level. He feels psychologically trapped by the adoring matriarch. Deep down the GB narcissistic son despises his mother. Often he seeks revenge by plotting and taking control of the family finances, leaving his siblings without an inheritance  or any financial stability. He watches them writhe with pain and views them at pitiful, incompetent failures. 

Another consequence of these pathological relationships is the narcissist's deep hatred of women. He appears to adore them with all of his affairs and numerous marriages. The treat their wives brutally with constant criticisms, sadistic rages and the imposition of constant overwhelming stress. These men are impossible marriage partners.

Psychologically the GB narcissist has been emasculated by the narcissistic mother. He is emotionally empty inside, incapable of any form of intimacy or empathy. In the end these GB narcissists continue to hate their narcissistic mothers and unconsciously hate themselves. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in book form and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists Target the Most Vulnerable

Covert Narcissists need to be exposed. They are difficult to identify. They blend in with great skill in business and social circles. They are all eyes and ears about what you are saying. Most people feel comfortable with them because they appear to be genuine. This is not the case. The covert narcissist is one of the most psychologically dangerous of all the narcissistic types. It is because of his/her disingenuous camouflaged real self which is hateful and conniving.

The covert narcissist often uses the ploy of being someone you can always count on. They move seamlessly into your life. They appear to make things easier for you. They anticipate your needs. It can be a small thoughtful gift or an errand run without being asked. At first there is no indication that they are grandiose or self absorbed. Their major interest appears to be their laser focus on you as a special person. This is the reverse of the grandiose, larger than life narcissist that we recognize readily. Covert narcissists are highly secretive They are smart psychological poker players.

If you grew up in a family with a covert narcissist it may have taken some time for you to realize that a parent or sibling was disparaging you, demeaning you, competing with you all of this time. When you look back you see the fierceness of the covert narcissist's drive to win at all costs and beat you out of the running.

Covert narcissists like to talk behind your back. They do their dirty work of attempting to destroy your reputation in the shadows with innuendos, the tone of their lie laced stories, the nonverbal complicity with someone else who is gossiping about you.

Once you have been hooked and are wiggling in the wind with a covert narcissist, they are as merciless as any grandiose narcissist. In many ways it is worse because the tendency is to want to forgive for their cruelties and let them back into your life and begin to trust them again. This is disastrous. They are insinuating themselves back in order to assert more control, to abuse and degrade you. If  you are a sensitive human being you have put yourself in the hands of an enemy. A covert narcissist is in disguise except when they bare their fangs. Believe me they will bite down and draw blood. At their center the CN is just as ruthless, deceptive, vituperative, manipulative and exploitative as all the other narcissists.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality disorder. Pay attention to your intuition. If someone finds you too fascinating too soon, pay attention and make a mental note. What do you have that this person wants. If the individual is very saccharin and you hear the voice of intuition to go slowly, listen carefully to this wise part of yourself. Learning to quiet the mind and calm the nervous system through a form of meditation that works for you or the use of gentle yoga and other healing modalities can be of immense help deepening your powers of attention and concentration, These skills assist in remaining detached and of maintaining a steadiness within yourself. This way you can make an accurate assessment if this individual is a covert narcissist. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and ebooks
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com