Don't Let Your Children Grow Up to be Narcissists

From all of the clinical research---there is no narcissistic personality gene. Narcissists are created not born. We receive a hereditary endowment of temperament and disposition. Metabolism, fast twitch muscles, the ability to use both hemispheres of the brain are all part of our endowment. But narcissist is molded from babyhood. Quite often one of the parents is a narcissist. If the non-narcissist parent is not psychologically strong enough to neutralize the powerful impact of the NPD parent, these dynamics can lead to the creation of a narcissistic child. The earlier the intervention, the less chance of raising a child who becomes a full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder.

We are born with the capacity for empathy. This quality is what most distinguishes those who are narcissists from those who are not. Children learn to develop their capacity for empathy most often from their parents. I have come across children of narcissistic parents who were highly empathic but had other familial influences that helped them to develop their capacity for empathy. These individuals who have been treated so abominably by their dreadful parents are often highly compassionate human beings. 

I don't care how adorable, beautiful, brilliant, strong and magnetic your children are---they are not little gods who can do no wrong. They are your children and you love them. But it is up to you to teach your child through your example and your interaction with them every day to take the needs of others into account, to recognize the needs of others, to learn how to feel how another person is suffering. This is learned or not learned very early and develops as the child grows.

Basic respect for each person and a sense of psychological boundaries is taught by the parent. It doesn't matter what kind of education a person has, how they look, what they wear, what they own or don't have----the bottom line is respect for all human beings. No one should be judged, public image, level of education, success in the world. Parents teach children every day especially when they are very young
that no one person is more important or valuable than another. Each child is unique in his or her own way. When we have more than one child, it is particularly important that the parent show no favoriticism between one or the other. Each child has unique gifts, strengths, vulnerabilities and sensibilities. The parent takes each child's individuality into account.  D.W. Winnicott, the brilliant British psychoanalyst, speaks about the necessity of the parent to acknowledge the spontaneous gesture of his child rather than imposing what the mother or father insists his child should become. This forcefulness sets up the psychological climate for the formation of the false grandiose self  who is at the root the of  narcissistic personality disorder.

In extreme cases, it may be necessary to sever the relationship with the narcissistic spouse to keep these severe personality disorders from having a profound negative influence on your child. I understand that this can be very complex and difficult. To avoid such life situations, research the narcissistic personality disorder in depth and do your best not to marry one of these individuals. This is not always possible since they are so clever at disguising themselves as genuine, particularly if they are high level narcissists. Remember that your parental input is crucial. You are the loving empathic parent. Pay attention to your intuition. It will tell you if you are dealing with a narcissist. Don't  override these true messages. Listen carefully. Intuition is a function of the higher consciousness within you. It is a gift we are all given. The more you exercise intuition, the more it becomes part of our life decisions and are ability to make very fine discernments of other human beings. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. It is well worth your effort and research. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Barnes and Noble online, well distributed worldwide
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses-Their Exit Strategy for You

The military uses the term exit strategy to describe how to leave the battlefield after a strategic objective is achieved or as a method of direction to avoid failure.  In a spousal relationship with a narcissist, it isn't surprising that the narcissistic partner has planned how he will exit the marriage. Narcissists can feel highly attracted to a particular woman and decide to make the leap forward to marriage. But they always have their own reasons in their back pocket.  Marriages for them are arrangements, like business deals. They have looked you over ---You are attractive enough or beautiful and will create the right image for this man. How long will you reign as his consort? ----As long as you can continue to provide him with  the narcissistic supplies that he requires. These take many forms. If you are a successful professional and very well connected this adds to his resume as well. If you family is prominent socially and part of the upper echelons of society, this is a huge plus. If you will fit in as part of his adoring entourage and wait on him like a docile servant and even have a couple of children with him to create future narcissists like him----all the better. Despite the well acted romance, the gifts, the excitement of the lifestyle he sets out before you, there will come a time certain when you will be out of the picture. He may not divorce you formally but his straying eyes and his insatiable appetite for power and money and influence will carry him in other directions and it won't be yours. After all, narcissists are never true or loyal to those they brought to the party. Even on the day of the wedding it would not be surprising that their eyes are coveting the face and body of a guest whom they are considering for a future tryst. Yes, that's how brazen and cold these individuals are. To protect yourself from embroiling yourself in one of these excruciating scenarios, study the narcissistic personality in depth. If you unwittingly marry a narcissist, be clear and firm about  your exit strategy before you have done a lot of damage to your psyche and stock portfolio. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Nobel bookstores and online, etc
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Wealth Obsessed Uber Rich Narcissists

We are now living at a time when the wealthy have been surpassed by the uber wealthy. -those making hundreds of millions a year, even one billion plus dollars a year.  Not all uber-rich are narcissists. There are many vastly wealthy individuals who are deeply involved in philanthropy and foundations who help those who are in financial need.

I am talking about uber rich narcissists who spend most of their time thinking about how much more wealth they can accumulate. Money is their god. If that means betraying a business partner or a marital partner of many years, that's essential for the narcissist. These individuals are greed driven, obsessed with wresting money from others, including their relatives. They are often lawyered up with the best attorneys to insure that they will legally steal wealth from their own family members. Right now 2% of the population is controlling over 80 percent of the wealth, leaving the rest of the population in the dust. Narcissistic uber rich never often don't feel that they have enough. They are warlike in their assaults on the financial security of others. In their families they hold the possibility of changing their wills and trusts as a psychological cudgel to control their spouses, children and siblings.

Uber wealthy narcissists are incapable of forming any kind of meaningful relationships. This is especially the case with their spouses and children. These family members are a source of narcissistic supply. They are viewed as objects who add to the enhancement of their elaborate grandiose false image (which most people mistake for an authentic self)

The uber rich narcissist views himself as ultra superior to all others because they have not achieved at his/her level. They have no conception of what other people endure, trying to pay their bills, buy sufficient food, have decent medical care and education for their children. These issues are not an aspect of their consciousness. Narcissists view all others as inferior and unworthy. They can't be bothered with their wives or children. Their roles are highly limited and strictly dictated by the narcissist. Spouses of these narcissists are often so intimidated in their marital arrangements  that they are afraid to leave these highly disturbed cruel human beings. As a result they and their children are psychological victims.  Some spouses are addicted to the uber wealthy lifestyle where they are treated like royalty at all times. The super narcissist feels entitled to this kind of bowing and scraping. Being at the top of the heap financially is all that matters. If the current spouse does not go along with his grandiose plans, the narcissist views this person has dispensable and easily replaceable.
Uber rich narcissists move those close to them around like pieces on a game board. They never consider for one moment the tremendous damage they have perpetrated upon their spouses and children.

Our current society is becoming more narcissistic. As a result excessive greed is considered a fine character trait. Winning big is all that matters, even if this psychologically wounds their own children. This is the ruthless ,cold  unempathic world of the uber wealthy narcissist. It is essential to learn to identify the narcissistic personality disorder to avoid being ensnared by them. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online bookstores, etc.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Siblings--Their Domestic Reign of Terror

There are innumerable painful stories of severe psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated by a narcissistic brother or sister during childhood upon their siblings. The intimidations, barbed criticisms and humiliations are rampant in these households. In these families one or both parents is a narcissist and tends to side with the narcissistic child. This creates an unending emotional climate and siege and danger in the home.

The sensitive non-narcissistic child faces perpetual assaults from the sadistic narcissistic brother or sister. In some cases other children in the family are too afraid of this cruel narcissist and join in on the bullying and terrorizing of the innocent, very vulnerable sibling. The psychological damage left behind is immense. Victims of this abusive treatment spend much of their childhoods in a state of terror. Many of them find ways to hide in their own homes. They know that neither mother nor father will protect them from ongoing verbal bombardment. The victimized child is left alone to protect himself, know that no one, not any member of his family will come to his rescue. He feels and is all alone. Narcissistic parents who allow one child to terrorize another year after year are despicable human beings. A child brutalized by this form of imprisonment often learn to numb out emotionally to protect himself.

There are adult victims of these highly dysfunctional family constellations including sadistic narcissistic brothers and sisters who survive to tell the tale. Many of them find ways to stay away from home if at all possible. Others leave the house early and live with friends and their families. Often these victimized siblings are not believed and discover that not only did they have to endure the abuse, they are now being with disrespect and ridicule and accused of being a liar when they speak the truth about their narcissistic sibling. This is especially the case if the narcissistic siblings has achieved  "professional or worldly success" with a capital "S".  Many of these children end up severing their relationships with their narcissistic sibling and and narcissistic parent(s.)They say No to more narcissistic abuse. They have won the battle against the narcissistic family to become, they they have value as separate individuals.  I hear from adult children who bore the ugliness of having a sadistic narcissistic sibling and often narcissistic parents. After study on their own, they have learned that the narcissistic personality is fixed, that narcissists are psychologically brutal and most importantly, that they have now reclaimed their lives and are free to be their unique selves. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online book stores, etc.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Rage-Grief-Healing

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold, distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative, highly critical and psychologically destructive. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers remain in denial about their mother's true nature. They blame themselves for manufactured short comings and flaws that were the product of the projections of a delusional narcissistic mother. These mothers live for themselves. They come in as many shapes and sizes and styles as there are plants on the planet. But when we look at the essential realities of their natures they are the same. Narcissistic mothers have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are a continuing source of narcissistic supply. If they are intelligent, have special talents, athletic abilities, are attractive---the narcissistic mother uses these qualities of her child to pump up her ego and grandiose image. The child doesn't matter to her---only the perfect performance that will impress those in her circle of social or professional influence. Narcissistic mothers test two daughters to see which one will be the standout. One will be favored over the other and this will become painfully obvious to the daughter who is not chosen. Often the narcissistic mother and the budding narcissistic daughter form a dark alliance designed to psychologically immobilize and even decimate the rejected child.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with the multiple cruelties perpetrated by these mothers from hell. Rage is often the first reaction of the wounded daughter. She hates her mother. She is furious about this woman who was mother in name only and tried to destroy the life of her own child. Beneath the rage is a gnawing grief---a pervasive feeling of loss over what the daughter never had--a loving protective mother who accepted and nurtured her child as a separate individual with no strings attached.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers find that working with a highly skilled psychotherapist helpful in working through the narcissistic mother rage and grief. Those inclined to go in this direction must make sure that they choose a therapist very wisely.There are excellent ones but it takes research and the full use of your intuition and powers of observation to pick the right therapist for you.

The next step is healing and wholeness. We are designed to be whole, complete, separate, thriving individuals. When you have worked through the rage and grieving, you discover that the deep authentic parts of you are there ready to be activated. This is a complex process. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers move in a spiritual direction (in the personal way that you define this). They develop a consistent meditation practice that works for them. Many practice gentle forms of yoga that put emphasis on the breath and calm the nervous system. Many do daily journaling and keep track of their dreams. Dreams are gifts of the unconscious that are given to us every night. Become familiar with this part of yourself---It is found gold.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special-----She is a survivor, a beautiful human being who has survived the psychological gulags of childhood to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online book stores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Can Never Be Trusted

Whether they are a spouse, child, sister, brother, ex-spouse, mother, father---narcissists can never be trusted. They are so convincing with their smooth talk, their nonverbal gestures that tell you they are completely sincere and on your side. Narcissists are masters of deceit. They are consummate actors. As they lie and manipulate they can even convince you going against your own intuitive sense of what is the truth. 

There is a pattern that develops with those who are married to narcissists. For decades the non-narcissists continues to convince herself/himself that spouse is going through a difficult time, has demeaned you and caused tremendous suffering through  verbal abuse and empty promises so that all of these cruel behaviors can be put aside. It's time for a fresh start, the non-narcissistic spouse tells herself: He's under a lost of stress. He's been so wonderful to me at different times. Why can't I put all of these cruelties aside and only think about the positives in the relationship. Narcissistic parents are famous for reneging on their commitments to their own  children. The child is let down time after time, bouncing back and forth believing what their parent is saying and knowing that they cannot count on their parent to tell the truth.

The narcissist is a false grandiose self that can never be authentic or truthful. As a child the narcissist was molded into a fraudulent human being who focused on proving his superiority to others and winning at all costs. This includes spouses and children. Narcissists treat those closest to them as objects to be manipulated. They are always deceptive and therefore can never be trusted.

To move forward with your life after leaving the narcissist's world, learn to appreciate your integrity, truth-seeking and the fact that in all of your relationships you can be trusted and relied upon. In our current narcissistic society, these characterlogical  qualities are rare and invaluable. Don't be swayed by narcissistic glitter----it is a superficial display. Find those who are deserving of your trust and respect. These relationships become strong and solid. Each person is assisting the other to move forward  toward expanding a more solid sense of self. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble online, etc.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Block Your Psychological and Spiritual Growth

Narcissists are highly disruptive people. They are restless, demanding, always directing attention to themselves. Narcissists know exactly whom and what they want. They have grandiose goals and believe they are superior to everyone else. When you are married to or part of a narcissistic family , the narcissist who is king or queen of the household, rules over your kingdom. The narcissist has defined roles for everyone in his/her life. If a narcissist is highly successful and revered by our superficial world, then he is a hero to be envied and glorified.

Every year that you live with a narcissist as a spouse or child, your creative energies, sense of internal peace and the forward trajectory of your life is being blocked. As a spouse if you become more monetarily or professionally successful than your spouse, he will do everything he can to pull you down, to exhaust you through constant criticisms, ongoing rages, intimidations and psychological threats. He makes every effort to obstruct you and turn your life upside down on purpose. Narcissists may think they are spiritual but they are so self absorbed, ruthless and cruel , they can never be described with this word. Those who are truly spiritual care deeply about other human beings, move toward alleviating the suffering of others and have deep compassion and empathy.

One of your options is to sever your relationship with the narcissist, even a spouse of many years. Many spouse are too frightened to make this move. They decide to stay with this severe personality disorder and eclipse their lives on every level. Some spouses finally make the decision that they can no longer allow someone else to dictate what they should think, feel and do. They are psychologically and physically sickened by the outrageous demands and bruising criticisms and overwhelming humiliations heaped on them by these severe personality disorders. They make the decision to lead their own lives. They are tired of using all of their energies on a highly pathological non-relationship.

They make the decision and divorce the narcissist. Many of them move forward with their lives and re-discover themselves and are re-born psychologically and creatively. Listen keenly to your intuition and you will make a good decision. Maintain your self respect and a deep belief in yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and Barnes and Noble, many books online
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com