Monday, April 4, 2011

Developing Healing Habits after Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

I am in communication with many spouses who have been through the horrible ordeal of being married to a narcissistic wife or husband. Many of these individuals feel that they have been wiped out on every level: mentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically. For decades many of them were virtual servants to the narcissist. They kept their end of the marital vows and kept believing that this person could change. They were abused, mistreated. Some of them became physically ill.

At some point many victimized spouses make the decision to divorce the narcissistic partner. This is a huge step in the right direction. They know the road could get rocky divorcing a narcissist. By selecting an excellent attorney who is an expert in this area of the law combined with insight on the narcissistic personality, the non-narcissistic spouse can move through this process with a sense of confidence and steadiness of mind. After the proceedings are completed, the healing begins.

You are in the process of re-making your life. This is both exciting and daunting. There are healing habits you can develop and integrate into your daily life. You make the decisions about what works best for you. You can call them the essentials for healing. I will offer several and then you will decide ultimately how your healing routine will be designed.

Forms of meditation are powerful forms of being whole. There are many types of meditation. One of the oldest is called vipassana. With this method you sit on a cushion and cross you legs, keeping your back straight but not stiff or sit on a straight back chair. Take a few cleansing breaths through the nose. Inhale,hold for a few moments (find the count that is comfortable for you) and exhale. All of this is done through the nose.
Close your eyes and put your gaze at the point between your eyebrows. This provides a place of focus and will keep you alert and relaxed. Begin to watch your breath coming in through the tip of your nostrils and out through your nostrils. Many thoughts will swirl through your mind, sensations will arise. As you are distracted, go back to the breath without making any judgments. The most important part of meditation is consistency not how long you meditation. There are no perfect meditation. Making the effort is a great achievement. Gentle yoga is a powerful healing tool. With yoga the focus is on the breath as it moves in and out of the nostrils. Don't be concerned about perfecting the pose. Yoga is about being steady and relaxed. If there is any forcing, then this is not yoga. Create a special space in your home where you go to meditate. It can be very simple.You decide what you need there--pictures, photographs, prints, religious pictures, small statues---the choice is yours. Cardiovascular exercise is the way that is best for your body is one of the great healers. It provides us with needed endorphins that help with our moods and facilitate sleep. Cardio strengthens the heart and many parts of the body. It oxygenates and invigorates us. Find other activities creative and otherwise that you enjoy tremendously. Be consistent with your new habits. You will create a new life structure from these. Give yourself credit for changing your life, for becoming independent from the narcissist. You are the designer of your life. Explore new talents. You will be amazed at how rich and full you life is and the extent of your creativity.

Take very good care of yourself. After what you have been through with the narcissist, you will make the decisions about how you want to run your life. No one else can make these choices. Don't limit your possibilities through fear or trepidation. Keep your creative options open. Use your intuition and it will always tell you the truth. Visit my website:

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: and amazon kindle edition


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