Narcissists--Screaming at You When You are Right

You are asked by your spouse to help with the taxes. The entire job has been placed on your shoulders and your narcissistic husband does none of the tedious work. Day and night he hounds you to get it done so that the work can be mailed out in time. He looks over your shoulder and makes critical remarks. You are nervous but do your very best. When you have finished, he reviews the tax return with a microscope. He starts screaming; he has found a mistake. Actually there is no error---he was not looking at your notation correctly. He goes into a tirade even though you are correct and he is wrong. This happens all of the time with narcissistic spouses and narcissists in general. They are always right especially when they are very wrong.

They turn up the volume and assume that will intimidate you, that the truth will be reversed in their favor. Living with one of these characters is extremely stressful. I have know spouses who literally threw up after some of these ugly scenes which are repeated throughout the marriage. Narcissistic spouses are bullies. They are marauding thugs who take your peace away, crowd your thoughts so that you become confused, wipe out your adrenal glands, put your nervous system on crisis mood. There are many spouses who will never leave this prison of horrors. There are a growing number who now recognize the specific traits of the narcissistic personality disorder, know that this individual is never going to change and make the decision to sever the marriage and move forward with their lives. In doing this they rescue their children psychologically from living each day with a parent who can't love them, who is completely self absorbed, selfish and cruel.

Take time to research the narcissist in all of his/her facets---their tricks, plots, schemes, vulnerabilities, treacheries. You will be able to spot them quickly and save yourself a lot of pain. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist's Money Lust

We all have some lust in our hearts--for gorgeous clothes, sex, delicious food, exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust. They are thinking about how much money they have, how  to get more of it, how to keep it away from others,  whom to manipulate to get more, including family members to take theirs. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, affection---for being authentic and human. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist's constant goal. Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person's mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled, superior to others, like a winner. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not "made it." It isn't knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal---being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust. One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth, to become the confidante, the favored trusted one. This is done over many years and is well plotted. Slowly and surely this siblings becomes the executor of the parent's sizable will, convinces the mother or father to bestow upon them the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total).  The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself. He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to be gone so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort. These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of luxury. They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind. They don't worry about others. They have gotten what they have wanted all of their lives. After they are making use of the inheritance, they still feel the money lust deep inside their bones and pursue other unethical and often illegal ventures to trick others into forming romantic relationships that will lead to their psychological and monetary control of another victim. The will to have more never diminishes. The narcissist will never stop victimizing others, disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, causing them unbearable distress and worry.

Learning about the narcissistic personality provides you with the insight to recognize these money vultures quickly. You will sense their vileness, like a noxious odor in the air. You will know what they are after---your financial resources, your social connections to people of means. They cannot play on your vulnerabilities because you know who they are at their rotten core. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists--Wearing the Martyr's Mask

There is a special kind of covert narcissist who plays  the martyr role so convincingly that most people  believe he is an individual of extraordinary integrity, even holy. There is always the implication that this person is special because of his extreme self sacrifice for others. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is part of the covert narcissist's well rehearsed performance and an excellent way of being seen as a very fine human being. I have been in communication with victims of covert narcissists who tell similar stories. Their spouse is looked up to by others as someone who always thinks of others before himself. This is the public persona. He is known for his good deeds through a church or organization that helps those in need. (There are people of truly fine characters who are not narcissists who devote themselves to those who are suffering or need special help or care. I am not speaking about this here.)  The martyred covert narcissist makes sure that he/she is seen as indispensable in this role. Members of his group provide him with the narcissistic supply of adulation. I have heard a number of times that these narcissists will abandon their responsibilities to their families in order to perform their "duties" .

Of course when the covert narcissist is unseen by others and inside the privacy of his home---everything changes: his facial expressions, the tone of his voice, his attitude. He is demanding, demeaning, cruel, verbally abusive and is a master at imposing guilt on family members. He accuses them of being selfish and lazy. He doesn't want anyone to have a good time. Even laughter and levity are forbidden. Wives and children get the brunt of this upside down version of "goodness." Once this mask is removed the psychological ugliness is fully exposed and activated.

No one believes the spouses and children who live with covert narcissists and how abusive and disturbed they truly are. At home they are accusatory, blaming, have fits of fury and are often menacing if unobeyed.  Some spouses decide that they can no longer tolerate this dreadful charade and sever this non-relationship for themselves and their children. This is not easy  because the covert martyr narcissist has made a tremendous reputation for himself and many who follow him believe that there is something seriously wrong with a spouse who would leave such a "good person."

What matters is the truth and the quality of your life. If others don't believe you, they are deluded. Take the reins in your hands. Truth is powerful. You are entitled to lead a life that is genuine and unobstructed by verbal abuse, toxic projections and false accusations. You deserve inner peace and your continued growth as an individual on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists---Their Bottomless Well of Emptiness

"In narcissistic personalities the experience of emptiness is most intense and almost constant..." (Otto Kernberg, Md. clinical expert on the narcissistic personality).  "The narcissist's experience of emotional emptiness is beyond sadness.  It is a severe and intractable wounding, a pain...savage and deep. The psychological (inner) landscape of the narcissist is bleak." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). This is the narcissist's unconscious experience of himself. He or she is unaware of this condition.  As a result the narcissist is a very restless human being, always surveying his external environment for narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, self indulgence, the company of highly attractive men and women, sexual escapes, the pursuit of material possessions, seeking raw power to control others, manipulation of those whom they experience as competitors.

"The successful narcissist creates an intricate system of positive feedback in the form of friends, associates, partners, spouses---who perpetually fulfill his endless needs." (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The narcissist is incapable of having a real relationship with another person. He doesn't have a relationship with himself. Everything in his life is externalized and the most prized possession of all is the elaborate golden image that he creates and perpetuates all of his life.

Beneath the surface, in the unconscious, molten rage is bubbling. This fury is projected on to to others, especially spouses, children, family members, business associates, etc. The narcissist cannot perceive that this rage is completely inappropriate and harmful to others. He simply spits it out or vomits it forth in a projectile that is highly disturbing and hurtful to its recipients. This is the narcissist's extreme self loathing in action. The narcissist cannot own any of these unconscious feelings and therefore they are ejected out on to his victims.

When you learn about the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, you have gained knowledge and power. Now you understand what makes them tick, why they react with such venom and why they are constantly searching for narcissistic supplies to fill up the bottomless pit of their psychological emptiness. Learn to detach from the narcissist. Keep your physical distance (if possible since they are very unpleasant to say the least) and maintain your psychological distance. You command respect and the recognition that you are a separate human being. who insists on being treated with dignity and courtesy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
 
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Children of Narcissistic Parents---Empathic

After all of the various "hells" connected with their up-bring, children of narcissistic parent(s) are often very empathic. They have suffered so much under the dominance of a grandiose false self, self absorbed, emotionally unavailable narcissistic parent. Yet---Surprise--They are capable of understanding on a deep emotional level what another human being is suffering. They can put themselves in this individual's place. I have seen this so many times in emails, by direct contact, in their writings, etc. Many of these children were able to make a clear discernment of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Some were fortunate to have access to the non-narcissistic mother or father who gave them the love and affection they needed and deserved. However, there are instances in which both parents were narcissists. This is truly remarkable and commendable. These children fought all the way to maintain their individuality, their capacity for compassion, the ability to see through the delusion of the narcissistic parent and the vow that they would not travel the narcissistic road. We take heart and hope in these living examples of kind, empathic, psychologically grounded human beings. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Depth of Narcissistic Abuse is Devastating

Victims of narcissistic abuse--spouses, children, siblings--so often feel that they are not being heard despite all they have suffered over many years. I often read and hear the refrain: "They don't get it." They are saying that other people even in their own families do  not understand the depth and malevolent cruelties that have been perpetrated on to them. When the narcissistic mother, father, sister, brother, in-law is in a public venue, even in the family home, he is acting like a prince--very well mannered, at your service, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. This is the external burnished image that the false self narcissist has perfected. Most people believe that this is the real person. It is definitely not. Behind closed doors when others are not watching, the real monstrous aspects of the core of this personality disorder are revealed. They are horrendous--screaming fits that never stop, intimadations and accusations that set your ears rings, humiliations that make you want to hide in a corner and never leave, threats that are believably horrific "I will leave you with nothing; you will end up on the street. I will ruin you professionally and personally. I am just the person who can and will do this to you." Hearing this and sustaining these bombardments every day is intolerable to the victim.

Never underestimate the psychological, emotional and financial damage a narcissist will do. If you continue to take this abuse, remind yourself that it is wearing you down, that you don't deserve it, that the image of a "perfect family" doesn't mean anything next to the truth----You are being victimized by a seriously disturbed narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to put yourself and your welfare (and that of your children if you have them) first. You can separate and break free from the narcissist. Many benefit from quality psychotherapy. Make sure that you choose someone who is clinically highly qualified and empathic. Find a few friends you can count on. Make your plans in advance and keep them confidential as to how you will sever this non-marriage or non-partnership or non-familial relationship. You can become whole again. The creative, evolving part of you has been waiting a long time for you to say "Yes" to freedom. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Protect Yourself from Narcissistic In-Laws during the Holidays and Always

Holidays with relatives can be challenging to say the least, especially if they are narcissists. Narcissists don't change because there is a special occasion. They may put on their elaborate mask for a while but don't be surprised if they attempt to jab your psychological ribs before the event is over. One of the most important tactics is to never be alone with a narcissistic in-law for a moment. Make sure that a friend or relative whom you trust is with you.Narcissists release their most onerous psychological projections when you are alone with them face to face.

At  many events it is possible to greet the narcissist politely and then move on to visit the other guests. Do not let them engage you in conversation. Keeping an ample physical distance from the narcissist is one of the keys to avoiding any interchanges with your narcissistic in-laws. Before you leave for the party remind yourself that you are in charge of your actions, that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration by everyone.
There are family constellations in which narcissistic in-laws are so toxic to other family members, including you. that you might seriously consider not attending the event. I have heard many stories of very ugly scenes that have occurred as a result of vituperative interchanges by narcissistic in-laws and other family members. Narcissists think nothing of disrupting and spoiling a special family event. They are absolutely shameless about their behavior. Some narcissists are concerned enough about their image that they will pull their punches and decide to behave. However, still avoid close contact with them. They have a way of getting spitting out barbs, put downs and sarcastic remarks very quickly that are very wounding. Remember you don't deserve this kind of abusive treatment by anyone. Remind yourself that this in-law has a severe personality disorder, that he or she is constantly projecting the noxious contents of his or her unconscious on to others. These putrid volleys have nothing to do with you. They are psychological toxins that have nothing to do with you.

Researching the narcissistic personality disorder gives you the power to know exactly who they are. This knowledge gives you power. Healthy self entitlement and self respect should be your continuous companions.
To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Let Narcissistic Mother Suck the Life Out of You

Narcissistic mothers are psychologically empty. They have nothing to give. They are consummate takers and spoilers. They sustain themselves by picking away at the lives of others, especially their children. It is tragic that this person is a narcissist and even more horrendous that you are her child. Deep inside, in the the unconscious they hate themselves. Unfortunately their deep self loathing is projected on to their children. They are known to select certain individual children who will get the worst treatment. Often it is due to the narcissistic mother's pernicious envy. If you are a bright, attractive, lively little child, these predatory mothers are jealous of your individual personality qualities. They cannot compete with you but since they are the adult parent, they will do everything to control you, including unwarranted punishing and imposing fear and dread at every turn. These mothers are constantly demeaning their children, telling them they are stupid, ugly, incapable of doing well in school---and the list of put downs is endless. Narcissistic mothers are queens of projected negativity. They are like vampires---sucking the psychological life out of you. Some children of these mothers sadly, are too frightened to hold on to themselves and become mother's willing servants. Mother's brainwashing techniques have worked on these victims. Some of them spend their lives trying to please mother, to get love out of a stone, beg to be accepted by someone who has no empathy or compassion, only psychological darkness. Other children in the same family are able to protect themselves by observing very early that there is something radically wrong with this parent. They have separated enough from this poisonous narcissistic mother to avoid psychological annihilation. They refuse to be brainwashed. They preserve vital parts of themselves that are very much alive and that sustain them as they grow up. They suffer terribly under these conditions of siege but they have kept themselves together. Children who have saved themselves take refuge in the use of the their imaginations, the search for knowledge, their acquaintance with other adults who nurture them---grandparents, aunts, mothers of their friends. These survivors learn how to walk this tightrope; they become good at preserving the unique gifts they have been given and growing to become strong and separate from the non-mothering figure.

As an adult of a narcissistic mother who is still involved in this war, learn everything you can about the true nature of narcissistic personalities. Remember they do not change; they are fixed. You deserve to heal and to remove yourself from this highly negative vortex. You may be the biological son or daughter of a narcissistic mother but first you are a unique individual. Remind yourself of this truth. You are entitled to use all of your many creative gifts and energies, to activate your potential to the maximum and to feel the fullness of life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Have Free Will Dealing with a Narcissistic Relative

On the outside the narcissistic family appears idyllic. Photographs show happy faces, eyes bright, smiles that reveal shining white teeth. This family photo represents much of the narcissist's identity. As a child you at first believed the family story (or fairytale). You had to---You were too young and emotionally dependent to think or feel any other way. It is surprising how early some children realize that their parent(s) are a couple of complete phonies. They saw through them very early, recognizing the two-faced hypocrisy. Mother or father presented an impeccable image to the outside world. A child wouldn't dare  tell the truth to a friend or relative they thought they could turn to. And in some instances children who did speak up were either not believed or severely punished.

As adult children of narcissistic parents, siblings and other relatives we have the free will to either deal with them or not. I know it can be awkward to say 'No" to social events, family occasions but it is your choice.  If in the past you have been humiliated and demeaned---do you want to go through this ugly drama again? Forget the formalities, the external niceties of having the "family" together--even on this big coming series of holidays. Are you going to be forced by anyone to attend an event if it makes you literally nauseous or so hurt that you feel like crying in a corner? How much more are you willing to take? If no one stands up for your decision---you stand solidly for yourself. This can be difficult to achieve when those around us are insisting we "behave" and fall into line and play the family game ---making the good appearance once more. Ultimately, it is your move. An essential aspect of evolving as an individual is to know what is right for you and to dismiss the over the top theatrics of the projected venom of narcissists in our families. Trust yourself and your intuition. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Say No to Narcissistic Ex over the Holidays

The holidays are an emotionally charged time for most people There are so many memories--happy, sad, tragic, nostalgic that lead to powerful feelings. It is so tempting to give in to our many impulses, including renewing our previous romantic relationships. We feel a longing to be back with a person who was very special to us. We idealize this individual in our minds, remembering the great times we had with them. Our vision of the past becomes very rosy and we want to grab our phone or text or email and connect with this individual again.

If this man or woman is a narcissist, this is a very bad idea. First, the narcissist, regardless of the time that has passed, has not changed. These personality disorders are fixed; he or she has not changed. They know how to put on a perfect act and how to draw you in psychologically and romantically. Ultimately, you will be hurt again. Remember what made this man or woman an "ex" in the first place. You discovered that this person has severe problems with extreme self entitlement, complete lack of empathy, total self absorption, deception, chronic lying and manipulation. Refresh your memory before you walk through that door again. This is not easy especially if we are feeling lonely and sad. Be kind to yourself about your feelings. Do not be judgmental about them. But also be clear with yourself about the true nature of your narcissistic ex. You cannot go there again.

You made the separation and break with them out of your own best interests. You have freed you life up to be the evolving, creative, strong individual that you are now. Your intuition is telling you that you have moved too far ahead to regress backwards. Have faith in yourself and give yourself tremendous credit for the progress along the new road toward renewal you are traveling. Have a wonderful holiday. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Relatives Rampage through Entire Families

Narcissists have neither limits of decency nor respect for other human beings, including family members. One narcissist allowed to bully himself freely over decades can psychologically decimate many members of one family. One of the worst constellations is the mother/father narcissistic duo. Children of these unions have it very tough. Even as small children life is not centered on them. It is all about their selfish, self absorbed, cold and often enraged parents. Children from these families learn survival skills the hard way. It is very painful when they come to the realization that their parents were incapable of genuinely loving them. Those who are more fortunate often turn to an older brother or sister who substitutes as a surrogate parent.These children feel loved and protected by the older sibling and grow knowing there is at least one person they can trust and count on.

In some cases the narcissist is a golden child boy or girl, selected by mother and/or father as superior to all the other family members. He is treated like a member of royalty. All talk and adulation by the parents is about him or her. If this child has talents, is bright or gifted in other ways, he is the center of attention and given everything he wants. Narcissistic parents allow these blooming narcissists to treat their siblings cruelly. They ignore the extreme bullying that chronically occurs and can cause severe psychological damage to the brothers and sisters who are frequent victims of this abuse. The narcissistic parents are oblivious of these dreadful patterns of cruelty. In some cases they join in and belittle the children who are imperfect, taunting them, punishing them unjustly and making their lives absolutely miserable.

Many of the victims of growing up in a narcissistic family spend years in the healing process. Some find that psychotherapy with a skilled empathic clinician helps them to recognize the war zone they have navigated all of their lives. They learn to recognize and appreciate their identities that are separate from the narcissist. In many cases they end any contact with their narcissistic relatives. There are no authentic relationships with narcissists, even if they are your relatives. Discovering and learning to lead their lives on their own terms, opens them to the full use of their gifts and talents and the awareness that they are fully capable of loving others on a deep level. Other modalities of healing can involve various forms of meditation that work for the individual, hatha yoga with emphasis on relaxation and concentration, many forms of exercise that free the mind and strengthen the body. Those who thrive after the narcissistic family wars deserve our congratulations. They have prevailed. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists---Ravenous Exploiters

Narcissists are incessantly hungry for the next person or situation they will exploit. They take advantage of everyone in their lives, especially those close to them--spouses and children. They are ruthless in business which works very well for them these days when so many of those who are highly successful are narcissists. Our current society has normalized narcissistic personalities. The aim of life is to win. Winning is defined as defeating competitors at any cost, discarding those who have fallen on tough times (Narcissists blame those who through no fault of their own have not been able to "make it")  manipulating those who are emotionally vulnerable. Narcissists are seamless performers. They appear to care about you and they are believable with their chronic lying. Their plan is to exploit you and your gifts, contacts and creative ideas. When they have squeezed the most they need for their satisfaction, you are discarded. This occurs whether you have known them for months, years or decades. There is always a time certain when you will be sent into the darkness alone unless you are fulfilling some essential selfish need that they have. Narcissists don't have real relationships. They view you as a commodity and determine your value. Their spouses and children are often used as actors whom they direct. Narcissists are highly controlling. They are especially obsessed with their image. If you are the spouse or child of a narcissist you will be taking orders from them and following them or else.

Don't expect your narcissistic spouse or parent to change. Narcissistic personality is a serious fixed characterlogical  disorder that is not going to change. If they agree to go to therapy, it is for a reason and that is not to get better. Why would they change when they believe that you have the problem and they are perfect. Narcissists often sabotage psychotherapy and are even known to get the therapist on their side.

Ask yourself if you want to continue to lead your life this way---to be constantly controlled, hounded, criticized, demeaned and undermined by this individual. How much does your life matter to you. Spend some time researching the narcissistic personality disorder. Begin to recognize that you have unique value as an individual. You are entitled to be treated with respect, to be left to think your own thoughts, to be creative and  to follow your own life path. You deserve to experience inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Women--Playing the Pregnancy Card

Narcissistic women are known for their clever, conniving ruthlessness. One plot some of them boldly and irresponsibly play out is that of hooking the guy with their great looks and  desirability. They often find men who either already have "made it" in the wealth department or are climbing to the top of their professions. Nothing else will do. These women are obsessive plotters. They take their time, sizing up each man to find just the one who will make the cut. They start dating and in a short while these phenomenal actresses are getting closer and closer to the clincher. The chosen man doesn't have a clue about his coming entrapment. These women know how to turn it on in the intimacy department. A few months go by and everything is moving according to plan. One evening at dinner the narcissistic vixen announces that she is pregnant with his child. The guy's jaw drops. He can't believe it. The woman plays the pre-mother role. She explains that this latest development has been a horrible shock to her but now that there is a baby on the way, she is a responsible and moral individual who will take her role as a mother seriously. There will be no abortion, adoption----The two of them will raise the child. Women playing the pregnancy card are cunning at getting the man to think they are are going to share their lives together. In some cases, the guy buys a home to begin the new family.
What he doesn't know is that he was out of the picture from the beginning. This lady is after the money. Pregnancy and giving birth is her ticket to a tidy sum of money and support. If there is a grandmother handy, an aunt or a friend who will baby sit, this woman plans to have some fun time on her own and then go back to a good job. She takes this fellow for the total ride. He is responsible for the child's welfare in all of its facets until the kid is eighteen years of age. I have seen this happen a number of times. With conscience and absolute certainty about how much she can get away with--narcissistic women often win one court battle after the other, plunder the former "Partner" for all he's worth and move on.  The baby is a narcissistic supply to the narcissistic woman. She pretends to love her child when she is presenting a perfect image of herself. Otherwise, someone else can raise this kid. Using children for monetary gain is malevolent. Some of the men who are left holding this particular bag suffer horribly.

Narcissistic women who play this card never look back with regret or remorse. They are not designed that way.  They are Darwinian. One day they might even pull this heinous trick again. If not they will always find ways to decimate their male victims. These women despise men and nothing but sweet revenge will do for them. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Couple - Decorous-Empty-Full of Themselves

Narcissistic couples in public are so enamored with themselves they can hardly contain their self love. Most often one member of the couple holds the psychological power over the other. The partner who is also a narcissist is a willing and enthusiastic assistant to the image of perfection they create. The chief narcissist makes all of the important decisions and controls the partner.

At social events they make a grand entrance. They have well honed people skills that match their external appearance. Pin perfect, without a hair or eyelash out of place or a wrinkle to be seen, they make sure they are the center of attention. These couples are highly extroverted. You cannot miss them. You are greeted with great enthusiasm. Eyes bright, smiles firmly in place, gestures dripping with friendliness---they are in a spotlight that appears to follow them wherever they go. These narcissists are very smooth and fool most people. Beneath it all they are shallow and disingenuous. Their goal is to impress everyone and to strut their stuff. They can't get over how wonderful they are. They talk incessantly about themselves. They interrupt your thoughts but their smiles are so bright you are distracted. They hold you captive by telling you every detail of their endless perfections---their wondrous overachieving golden children, eye-popping references to their social status, their celebrity, their brilliance at making money and keeping it growing. Narcissistic couples don't communicate--they give speeches about themselves. After giving you the treatment, they move on to others to repeat once more to some other victim the same script.

Inside, narcissists are psychologically empty. They are shallow, unempathic, often very materialistic and are incapable of introspection.Not everyone who is attractive and extroverted is a narcissist. There are some great people who are highly skilled socially. When you research the narcissistic personality, you will be able to recognize them quickly. When you do, deftly step out of their limelight of delusion and move on to speak with a real person. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Pounce when You are Most Vulnerable

The narcissist has an uncanny ability to discern when another person is emotionally and psychologically vulnerable to them. Knowing nothing about themselves other than how wonderful they are (this is the false grandiose self) they are predatory in their capacity to size you up and extract what they need and want from you. They come on with well rehearsed charm. They surprise you with their attentiveness. They  know what will please you the most. You cannot put them out of your mind. They tell you that you are indispensable to them in a variety of ways. They make endless promises--some fulfilled, others left fallow. Narcissists always know whom and what they want. If you are recently divorced, have ended a long relationship, are going through a personal crisis, they appear like your best friend and potential intimate to fill the gaps in your life. This is very tempting and many people are caught up in this narcissistic web. If you are or have been, don't blame yourself. You could not have known how clever and devious and artful narcissists are at their craft---deceiving people for their own gain.

Learning about the narcissistic personality and studying this psychological profile that defines our current society will be invaluable to you.

If you have been hurt by a narcissist--give yourself a break. Do not be judgmental or self recriminatory. Work through the process of your healing, viewing it as a new cycle in your life. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Do your homework and choose someone who is highly qualified and empathic. (A warning---There are narcissistic psychotherapists.) You will recognize them and leave them in the dust.) Your healing is your first priority. Pay close attention to your intuition. Learn to quiet the mind through meditation or some form of gentle yoga or any practice that you can do consistently by yourself that brings you peace. This can mean being in the garden, listening to the birds, chanting, keeping a journal where you write spontaneously. You will find out what works for you. Your healing has begun. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Staying with Your Narcissist Spouse---Running on Empty

Those who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt of his cruel projections. He is in constant denial about reality. He insists you view everything from his distorted perspective--how you lead your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have, even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they are greeted like heroes--a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by his adoring inner circle. What happens in private is totally different---and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is no longer singing;he is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and  frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist's delusion and doesn't understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.

There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:"Do I want to continue living this way?" "My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive--" At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel---they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Trauma over Childhood with Narcissistic Sister

Some adults still suffer from the trauma they experienced as small children as a result of the brutality of a narcissistic older sister. From the beginning the younger child was frightened, even from babyhood. Often parents tend to ignore these activities or don't even notice them because THEY ARE DONE IN SECRET. When the baby cries the older sister makes an excuse and says that the baby is fussy or hungry. So many parents, especially those who are narcissistic and completely fixated on their own precious lives, believe this narcissistic monster child of theirs. These terrifying and traumatizing incidents can occur hundreds of times throughout the victim's childhood and the perversity and cruelty of the narcissistic older sister is never addressed. The victimized child has been living in a war zone of covert and overt activity all of her life. As they grow older, the victimized child often find ways of being invisible. She leaves the house frequently to be with friends, goes to the library or even finds good hiding places in the house. There have been horrendous occasions when the older sister has invited friends over when the parents are not home for the sole purpose of taunting and terrorizing the younger siblings. I have known of cases of small children lock in closets, forced to eat food that made them sick, being the object of cruel jokes, placed in the dark while tied with rope. These memories do not fade. Even as adults daughters victimized by narcissistic older sister still cringe at the thoughts of what happened to them and especially that no one, especially a parent had any awareness of these horrendous ongoing patterns of physical, psychological and emotional abuse.

As adults the victimized child often decides to sever her relationship with the narcissistic perpetrator. All she has known from this person is the infliction of terror, humiliation and abuse. Narcissistic parents often blame the victim and rally around the narcissistic older sister since she is the golden chosen one who can do no wrong. In these cases the child who has suffered so much leaves her entire family behind. Many of them are able to benefit from skilled psychotherapy, learn to trust and form an therapeutic alliance with the therapist and begin to heal from a form of post traumatic stress they have experienced for many years. In the process of healing, many of these individuals discover the value of their true selves and learn to appreciate and nurture themselves as well as finding people they can trust and form close relationships. The road to healing has many ups and downs but on the other side is leading life that you have always deserved. Finally you feel secure and at peace; you have the energy and strength to recognize and apply your special creative gifts and to fulfill your great potential. You deserve our deepest respect and honor. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Narcissistic Smile of a Villain

In one of Shakespeare's greatest plays, Hamlet, in the first scene the ghost of his father appears and speaks to Hamlet. The father has been poisoned by his brother, Claudius. The dead father says: "One may smile and smile and be a villain." In similar ways the thousand watt smile of the narcissist comes to mind---the penetrating, unblinking gaze looking you over, taking you in. The smile that caresses you, that wants to possess you. Narcissists are masterful at fusing psychologically with their next living narcissistic supply, you. The gaze is riveting; you cannot look away. The communication there in the air is so strong that you are indispensable to them. The are making the seduction complete. You feel like abdicating your will to them. In the back of your mind a voice is saying: "There is danger here. This is a masterful act. Wake up, Recognize this man."

This scenario takes place not only in plays but in every day life when the narcissist decides he wants something from you and is determined to get it. The best way to recognize the narcissistic personality disorder is through your study of this character disorder. You discover that these personalities are severely pathological, fixed, not likely to change. Narcissists are pervasive in our society today. The endings of these "plays", like Hamlet, are not happy ones. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com