Thursday, October 11, 2012

Narcissistic Mothers--All About Them All the Time

Being married to a narcissist, being the sister or brother of a narcissist, having a narcissistic mother or father or being the member of a total narcissistic family sucks the energy out of a person's life. No matter how you play it and under every circumstance--It is always about them--their looks, their homes, their holidays, their parties, their outward image, their financial successes, their victories over enemies, their seductions, their cruelties to the weak and vulnerable--- I am reminded of the words from Ecclesiastes: " Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher...all is vanity." One can add the word ego here to represent the overblown self absorption and exclusion of the feelings and entire lives of others when we speak of the narcissist's true nature.

With narcissists in one's family, little children are aware that the focus of attention was always on someone else, not them. They thought that was the way life went. There is a powerful figure a narcissistic mother who rules. She is always right and you are always wrong, stupid, slow, lazy, ugly, despicable, unworthy---name any derogatory word and that's what you were. Day and night these words were etched inside of your consciousness. You even drempt that mother was screaming them at you in your sleep. There was no way of escaping her verbal lashings. Often you believed her. What else could you do. You were a prisoner in her house of hell.

Besides the blatant abuse, the narcissistic mother is completely obsessed with  her life- her career, her looks, her social influence, financial security, the need to have anything she wanted. She put the attention on herself compulsively. She expected her children to adore her and to serve her. Some children of narcissistic mothers described themselves as full time servants--cooking, cleaning, washing, fetching, ironing clothes for mother so she could leave them for entire long nights by themselves. Even children as young as two or three  years old have been left alone to take care of themselves.

Some narcissistic mothers would throw a bottle in the crib of her screaming infant and slam the front door. Her only reservation and hope was that no neighbor would hear the baby crying and find her out. She would return late in the morning to find a child whimpering from sheer terror or exhaustion or passed out from crying all night long. These things do happen when children have narcissistic mothers. This is the epitome of "It's all about me." These are crimes against children. I believe they are unforgivable. I have heard too many life stories of these themes of extreme maternal deprivation and abuse.

It is time to recognize that maternal narcissistic abuse is occurring all of the time. We need to shine a bright light on it. If you have been a victim and have survived and are now living your own life in freedom, I applaud your ability to save yourself and to prevail. We begin by learning deeply about the nature of the narcissistic personality. Visit my 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

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