Sunday, September 5, 2010

Leaving My Narcissistic Mother

I am speaking to all of those who have suffered at the hands of a narcissistic family member, particularly a narcissistic mother. All parents have flaws--but narcissistic parents are among the worst. One of the most difficult roles in life is to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I hear from so many of these individuals who tell their stories with courage and great candor. It is very difficult to acknowledge that you didn't feel love from your mother.  This lack of feeling on the part of mother is often normalized by the young child. She says to herself : "That's the way mom is; she doesn't express tender emotions. Mother expects me to be perfect, made in her image." "If I obey and do eveything she expects perfectly, I know mom will love me some day." This time never comes as much as the child has convinced herself that a miracle can take place and that her wishes and prayers will be answered.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers go into an emotional deep freeze. They have been hurt and disappointed so many times that they unconsciously force themselves not to expect any affection from mother. This response can generalize to behaviors of emotional alienation and social isolation. Other daughters, feeling needly and desperate, fall carelessly into the arms of those who can't be trusted with their tender feelings and painful wants. These women often become victims of exploitive men who dominate them and break their spirit and any potential sense of independence. And there are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are molded and become narcissists, continuing the family tradition of spreading deep psychological and emotional pain.

Each daughter is a unique individual and has suffered the narcissistic mother wound. Some make a decision by will or default to continue to cope with an impossible narcissistic mother. Others decide that the pathological bond must be severed. These daughters leave behind the painful pieces of a relationship that never worked because authentic maternal love, the essential ingredient, was missing. Some of these daughters find warmth, acceptance and understanding from surrogate mothers--family members and friends.
So many of these incredible daughters with whom I have communicated are loving, caring, compassionate women. They deserve our honor and a deep wish that they have discovered deep love and inner peace that resides within them. Visit my website:

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: and amazon kindle edition

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