You are painfully discovering that the man you married is not only a narcissist, he is a sociopath. (This post applies to male and female sociopaths.) The warning signs were there early but you were so dazzled by his perfect charming irresistible facade that you didn't notice. He had all of the qualities that you had been searching for. He was confident, intelligent, successful, good looking, socially skilled. And he was so taken with you that you couldn't say no. There was a part of you that said: "This is the guy; if I let him go I will never find another man like him. I will have missed my chance." Certainly you had no idea of the real nature of the bargain that you were striking. It was a deal with the devil and you were easy prey. With all of this said, do not blame yourself now. You could not have known that this man was a sociopath (I call them bloodless sociopaths because they don't commit physically violent crimes) Their crimes are psychological, emotional and financial.
I have read and heard from so many women/men who have
fallen into this trap. As the number of narcissists increases every day,
the number of bloodless sociopaths swells as well. Being ruthless,
lacking conscience (if you can get away with what you want to do without
getting caught) stepping on the feelings of others, pushing those who
are weaker out of the way, exploiting the vulnerable-----These
personality traits and the behaviors and consequences of them have
become unimportant to many in the current society today. As long as you
get the goods, make the big money, are clever at getting around the laws
and have the right connections and an impeccable image, you are praised
, raised up, financially rewarded and by some who are mesmerized by
you---considered a hero, an innovator.
This is all delusion--the
greatest act in the world that most people believe, even the relatives
of the victims of the sociopathic husband. In the darkness of your
bedroom late at night, you are brutalized psychologically. You are
derided, criticized and treated like a piece of trash. You are always in
fight or flight mode--there is no let up. Your blood pressure is high;
you are getting constant infections and flus. You can't sleep at night
and you wake up with a start. "What is he going to do next?" You keep
asking and the answer is-- Plenty.
First, recognize that you are
married to a psychological criminal --a person who doesn't give a damn
about you and will replace you with someone else if he already hasn't.
your plans in secret to get out of the marriage and to protect the
assets that you have. That includes your emotional, physical and
psychological health. Get ahead of his game. Research attorneys and find
one who is so smart, clever and your absolute advocate--a person who is
very grounded and remains exceedingly calm in dealing with these
vipers. You need a veteran of these ugly divorce wars. Keep your circle
of real friends tightly around you and make sure that no one says a word
about your plans. Seek short term quality psychotherapy if you think
that will provide you with a therapeutic alliance that you need at this
time. Call upon a few friends who are there for you
at any time.
Keep your plans very close to the vest. Don't
change your mind. At some point he may get the scent that you are on to
his game and try to woo you back with enticements.Be faithful to
yourself and your future as a free individual who deserves to use all of your creative gifts and energies and to experience healing and deep inner peace.