Shame is a complex intolerable feeling of being exposed, wanting to disappear, emotional vulnerability, feeling inferior and worthless. Each person feels shame in his or her own way. A child who feels shame has been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family members. Shaming a child is a way of controlling them--making them feel small and helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..
are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for
others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation,
even have you fired---For these serious transgressions of human decency
they feel no shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in
their outrageous and hurtful behaviors.
Narcissists are particularly
brutal with their spouses. They create reasons to shame their partners.
Riding along with the shaming is their volcanic rage. Here there is no
let up. They constantly scream in your face, slam doors, hit walls, then
revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these wretched scenes the
narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic spouses are
constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to keep you
desperate, to throttle your nerve endings.
Shaming is one of their most
effective cruelties. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as
a child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so
familiar to them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to
reinforce how they feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses,
after years of being belittled and laughed out and dragged through the
mud of abuse, wake up and realize they don't deserve to be treated in
this abusive manner.
The work of separating permanently from the
narcissistic spouse has begun. This passage may not be easy or smooth
but it is worth the journey. I am in communication with many spouses who
have made this final separation from the narcissistic spouse. With the
help of the support of family members and/or other members of their
social group together with those who benefit from excellent
psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives.
They don't have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or
hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness.