Thursday, October 28, 2010

Narcissists Blame Those They Harm

Narcissists always cause harm to those closest to them, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and siblings. The narcissist usually fools a new fiancee or spouse. They believe the narcissist's persuasive words, unexpected gifts, special attention and extravagant promises. In the new spouse the narcissist has found an extraordinary partner who reflects his perfection. The partner is more than willing to please, believes she/he has found someone with whom they will share their lives. So much of this is the fulfillment of a dream, a fantasy that so many people believe about romantic love. I have communicated with a number of spouses who have been psychologically and emotionally harmed by narcissistic spouses who had some clues, intuitions, hints that the person they were marrying was disingenuous---too good to be true.

As the marriage or partnership turns ugly and the betrayals and deceits are well underway, the narcissistic partner starts blaming the partner to whom he/she has caused so much psychological and emotional pain.  In many instances the injured party continues to make excuses for the narcissist's reprehensible behavior.

When the narcissist has worn down and exhausted the spouse, he makes accusatory comments--"What's the matter with you. You're always complaining, whining, never satisfied. You are a miserable excuse for a human being."  Then comes the final turn of the screw. "Your erratic, overemotional behavior is stressing me out and interfering with my career and my personal peace." Here the narcissist has completely reversed the truth. It is the narcissist who has perpetrated such overwhelming chronic stress on to the spouse that the latter is confused, weakened and intimidated.

This pattern of the narcissist blaming those whom he/she has caused such intolerable suffering is not unusual for these personality disorders. After you recognize the abuse that  has been targeted at you day after day--for some decade after decade, the question is: How much more are you willing to take? How are these highly abusive relationships affecting your children if they are part of the family constellation? Many spouses finally say NO! This abuse is stopping now. I will do everything I can to extricate myself from this psychopathology.
Those who take specific steps to leave the stifling, psychologically corrosive environment of the narcissist  discover that they can reclaim their lives, fulfill the promise of their special gifts and energies and  recreate lives that are filled with inner peace, creativity human intimacy and compassion. Visit my website:

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultaton: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: or amazon kindle edition

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